By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK–At the suggestion of his daughter Ivanka and his son-in-law Jared, President Trump will mark the Jewish holiday of Shavuot this month with a national week of special observance.
But at their urging, he’s dropped his original plan of emphasizing one or two of the Ten Commandments each day of the celebration.
The idea to celebrate the festival originated with the president’s stated desire to honor the Jewish people —who, he said, “are loved more by me than by any other president in the history of the United States of America…Trust me, did Obama ever devote days to this holiday?”
When he asked Ivanka and Jared, both Jewish, for suggestions for observing the holiday, they told him about the significance of Shavuot, especially the giving of the Ten Commandments and the Torah.
This inspired him to suggest having each day of the nation’s celebration emphasize one or two of the Commandments.
But, according to sources who overheard the conversation but don’t want to be identified for obvious reasons, the conversation that followed went something like this:
IVANKA: Dad, Mr. President, that’s a wonderful idea — one of your greatest.
JARED: Absolutely.
IVANKA: But it might give the corrupt media some really evil ideas.
JARED: Like a fake-news witch hunt.
IVANKA: Saying that you don’t abide by the commandments — that you’ve ignored or violated every one of them, and so they’d be all over you for hypocrisy.
THE PRESIDENT: Some of those so-and-so’s would even be calling for impeachment…There was absolutely no collusion…
IVANKA — That’s a different subject…
THE PRESIDENT — Yes but there absolutely wasn’t any collusion.
(Then, after a pause) “I’ve got an even better idea for honoring this festival: we’ll have the celebration without the commandments!
Still eager to declare a national holiday in honor of Shavuot, the president asked his young Jewish relatives what, other than Torah commandments, symbolized the holiday.,
When they casually mentioned that one of the customs was to eat dairy products, notably cheese cake and cheese blintzes, Trump happily embraced the idea.
Setting aside concerns about possible negative reaction from “my meat-lobby backers,” he said “We could have a national cheesecake and blintzes-baking contest, with the finals on Fox TV. Maybe get celebrities like Sean Hannity to compete in it. I’ll get Sarah and Kellyanne right on it.”
He momentarily considered calling the projected baking contest “Blintzkrieg,” but dropped the idea when Ivanka and Jared pointed out it would be another opportunity for the ”corrupt media” to ridicule him.
He also offered the possibility of a related beauty pageant — “I think I know a little something about beauty pageants
– and possibly call it Blini Bikini or Holy Cheesecake.”
Then, still thinking aloud, he said he’d love to have a Shavuot-themed parade, a “gigantic” one, as part of the festivities. But that would take a lot of planning and would have to wait until next year.
Responding further to his request to learn more about the holiday, Ivanka and Jared gave him an abbreviated version of the Book of Ruth. The president was most impressed with the loyalty of Ruth to her mother-in-law, Naomi. “I absolutely love the loyalty hat she showed,” he said, “Amazing. Not like some of my present, past and soon-to-be-past staff members. I think I’ll order my cabinet to read the story.”
Briefly, he confused Shavuot with the holiday of Sukkot, and its custom of inviting guests… “But they could be rapists and drug dealers,” he said, expressing relief that the custom is unrelated to the Shavuot festival.
The Shavuot tradition he finds most appealing is staying up all night (but, in his case, not to study) – “Then I won’t wait until 3 or 4 a.m. to start tweeting.”
What a great way to share the joy of the holiday!
Happy Shavuot.
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Readers who are new to freelance writer Joel Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns are advised that they are satirical and should not be taken seriously.