By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — He hasn’t “exactly” been invited, his press secretary acknowledged, but President Trump is planning to speak at the Jewish day school that two of his grandchildren attend.
It may cause controversy among some of the parents, But he is planning to address the school on the last day of class about “how to succeed,” and the notes he’s made in preparation have been obtained by several news outlets. Topics were suggested by Ivanka and Jared, but the opinions are his. Here are some highlights:
LUCKY TO HAVE A U.S. PRESIDENT SPEAK TO YOU. When you first heard I was coming, you probably didn’t believe you could be so lucky. And bet you didn’t know the department in charge of schools works for me. So you better behave (ha, ha).
ASK GRANDDAUGHTER TO STAND UP. C’mon take a bow. She’s gonna be a looker like her mom.
SUCCESS IS UP TO YOU. This is a great school, wonderful principal, remarkable teachers. But it’s up to you to be a winner.
LISTEN TO THE JEWISH BIBLE STORIES. – You probably get to hear a lot of Bible stories,and that’s good. I love the Jewish Bible. Nobody loves it more. They have plenty of heroes you can look up to…like the guy who fooled his old father by disguising himself as his brother…and the father-in –law who got 14 years of free labor and married off two daughters to the same young guy. Great deal makers.
TEN COMMANDMENTS –Generally pretty good. Like “honor your father and mother.” But don’t forget grandpa.
WELCOMING STRANGERS. They’ll probably tell you that in ancient Egypt Jews were strangers, actually slaves, so Jews today should welcome strangers to the USA. But Egypt was then, and now is now.
We have to be so careful. Strangers, immigrants and refugees can be very, very dangerous.. Which is why you should make a new kid prove that he or she can be a loyal friend.
BULLYING. If you’re bullied, bully back harder. If you can’t do it by strength, use words. Make fun of the kids’ name, looks, eyesight, weight, voice. (Dopey Dan, Four Eyes, Fat, Screechy).
If anybody’s mean to you, tell them they won’t be invited to your bat or bar mitzvah…and that party is going to be sensational.
WINNING. In sports or anything you do, winning is everything, and so do whatever it takes, even if it means something like starting a race a second before the gun goes off.
And when you win, don’t be a wimp and congratulate the kid who won for a good fight or good game. Just tell everybody what a “loser” she or he is. The important point is that you won, the other kid lost
NO APOLOGIES. Before Yom Kippur, Jews are supposed to tell anyone they may have insulted that they’re sorry. But.never do that. It makes you seem weak.
And if you’re accused of anything wrong, keep saying again and again that you didn’t do it (especially if you did). It’s even better to blame somebody else.
SECRETS A good way to be in control is to try to get kids to tell you their secrets. Then if you want anything from them, you can threaten to tell if they don’t give you what you want.
GREATNESS, Keep telling your class how great you are – in tag or spelling or whatever. Keep repeating it, and the kids will believe it.
Trust me, it worked for me.d
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Readers who are new to freelance writer Joel Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns are advised that they are satirical and should not be taken seriously.