By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — President Trump doesn’t drink alcoholic beverages, but he seems slightly intoxicated – tipsy with what he’s convinced is his unlimited power to pardon.
The latest beneficiaries are Bible figures, notably Delilah (of hair-cutting fame), the Philistine beauty who was bribed to learn the source of Samson’s great strength. She wore him down until he told her it was his hair. (“Weak, very weak!” Trump insists.). Then she robbed him of his power by having a servant cut his locks while he slept, and turned him over to the Philistines, where terrible things happened to him.
As to why he chose Delilah to pardon, the president explained: “When I first heard about Samson, I’ll tell you the truth, I liked the guy. I could relate to him. I mean here’s a good-looking stud with great hair, a hit with women, didn’t drink, who took no prisoners. He killed scores of bad guys, a thousand Philistines, with the jawbone of an ass! My kind of hero.
“But then he became a judge, and you know how I feel about them (except for Gorsuch), and I got to thinking about Delilah, and I’m convinced she was the victim of a witch hunt. The fake news media has made her name come to mean a treacherous woman. Even Tom Jones joined the witch hunt with his song. Okay, it was a different Delilah, but still …
“As the modern-day prophet Cecil B. DeMille described her in his documentary, she was really a noble creature. Delilah was sorry for what she’d done and, instead of following Sam’s warning to run before he brought down the pillars of the temple, stayed and died. A great person. And anybody played by Hedy Lamarr can’t be all bad. An incredible woman.”
Trump had already pardoned several individuals, among them Sheriff Joe Arpaio, convicted of contempt of court and accused of abuse of power and unlawful enforcement of immigration laws…”Scooter” Libby, convicted of perjury and obstruction of justice… (posthumously) Jack Johnson, a heavyweight boxing champion of old who was a victim of a criminal onviction tainted by racism
Cheered for those pardons by his fans and by his lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, the president has gone back into biblical history. He’s reportedly considering pardons for Haman, Pharaoh, Cain and others, in whose cases, he’s convinced, “The judgments were, if not rigged, definitely unfair.”
Kim Kardashian West recently influenced the president to commute the life-without-parole sentence of a first-time drug offender. As to whether a Kim – either Kardashian or Kim Jong-un — influenced the president to pardon Delilah, press secretary Susan Huckabee Sanders said, “I haven’t spoken to the president about that, and, anyway, that’s a question for outside counsel.”
And to a seemingly wild, unconfirmed report that Trump was considering pardoning the snake responsible for Adam and Eve’s ejection from the Garden of Eden, Sanders told reporters: “I don’t deal with theoretical maybes. And, anyway, this would be something handled by outside counsel, so that’s where you should direct your question.”
(Most legal experts think presidential power to pardon does not extend beyond humans; Rudy Giuliani is convinced there are no limits.)
The president has commented, “No one is above the law, but I can pardon anyone I want to, myself included. No need. I’ve done nothing wrong. Nothing.”
To which some skeptics have replied, “I beg your pardon.”
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Readers who are new to freelance writer Joel Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns are advised that they are satirical and should not be taken seriously.