Rabbi weighs hospitals, death, grief, and the beyond

The Blessing of Sorrow: Turning Grief into Healing by Rabbi Ben Kamin; © 2018 Central Recovery Press, 207 pages plus acknowledgments; $17.95 via Amazon

By Donald H. Harrison

SAN DIEGO – Rabbi Ben Kamin has been around death for a long time, both as a Reform rabbi and as a son.  He was still a young man when his father died unexpectedly, and the massive coronary that extinguished his father’s heart also wounded young Kamin’s.  In chapter after chapter, Kamin returns to his father’s awful death, both to provide answers for his readers as well as some measure ofcatharsis for himself.

As a rabbi, Kamin visits the sick and dying; officiates at their funerals; and counsels their families.  Often, he is asked what is the right way to grieve.  The answer is that there isn’t a right or a wrong way, just personal ways. Regardless which way one grieves, it is important to grieve, and not try to bury one’s emotions or to stoically soldier on.  Failing to grieve can delay the process, and perhaps cause lasting psychological damage, according to Kamin.

The rabbi  urges people to be true to their own beliefs, as well as to those of the deceased member of their family. For example, if the deceased was secular in outlook, often expressing doubts as to the existence of God, it would do little good to have for him a traditional funeral service with all the religious ritual.  That would not be true to the deceased’s memory, nor would it be of comfort to the people at the funeral, listening incredulously, knowing o that the words and customs would have been meaningless to him.  Rather than helping the survivors cross the bridge of grief to healing, such a misrepresentation of the life of the deceased could only hinder the process.

Similarly, if someone had a temper, was cross with everyone, but also gave money to charity, to mention only her good points, without any allusion to other parts of her personality, distorts her memory, and leaves unacknowledged the real person for whom the family is grieving.

Kamin recommends that people visiting the bereaved avoid bromides like “he’s in a better place” or such euphemisms as “called to God,” “passed away,” and “no longer with us.”  Such euphemisms “transmit a message that cloaks our own apprehensions” and “can blur the therapy of grief,” according to Kamin.

After the shiva, when visitors have gone home and even family members have started to return to their normal routines, the bereaved may often find life difficult, sometimes meaningless, in light of his or her  loss.  The rabbi says assuring that the deceased’s beliefs are put into practice can be an effective and beneficial way for the bereaved to once again find purpose. For example, if the deceased had been an advocate for social justice, then working in that field, or financing the good works of others, may bring solace and accomplishment.  If he or she died from a little known and little researched disease, perhaps publicizing that disease and calling for more research into its causes, effects, and possible cures can be an appropriate pathway.

Besides the process of grief, Kamin’s book explores other aspects of dying.

He takes us to the bedsides of terminally ill patients, warning us not to try to vend to them false hope.  Rather, he counsels, we should physically be there with them, and should they want to talk—about their lives, about their fears of death, about their expectations of the after life—we should listen.

He also conducts us on a guided tour of a mortuary, advising us to deal with the financial costs of death while we still are alive, rather than saddling our loved ones with these tasks, when they are in shock and feeling most vulnerable.  Do you want to be buried?  Cremated?  Have your body donated to science?  Make these arrangements now.  You’ll be doing your surviving spouse and/or children a big favor.

Kamin additionally delves into the supernatural.  He tells of experiences, including his own, when the deceased seemed to be communicating with people from beyond the grave, if only to assure them that they are okay in the next world, and that those still living shouldn’t worry.

So, the book is an odyssey of sorts, a travelogue for a journey that all of us are destined to take.  Kamin is a wordsmith, so it is highly readable.   No doubt, the book will be a comfort to those suddenly confronted with the death of a loved one.  But I recommend not waiting until faced with such personal loss.  Read the book now, so you can think with a clear head about some of the issues that Kamin skillfully raises.

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Harrison is editor of San Diego Jewish World.  He may be contacted via donald.harrison@sdjewishworld.com   Kamin, based in Oceanside, is an author and pulpit rabbi who contributes occasional columns to San Diego Jewish World.  He may be contacted via ben.kamin@sdjewishworld.com