By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — A seemingly far-out comment by Rudy Giuliani – – reported here last week – that President Trump’s power to pardon extended beyond human beings, has gained serious backing.
A group of attorneys has filed an “amici curiae” (friends of the court) brief contending that there are no limits to the presidential pardoning power. It addressed reports that Trump was considering pardoning the snake responsible for Adam and Even being expelled from the Garden of Eden.
Informally titled “They Pardon Turkeys, Don’t They?” the brief cites as legal precedent U.S. presidents saving the lives of the fowl before Thanksgiving.
It mentions several U.S. chief executives who pardoned the birds. Abraham Lincoln became the first, unofficial, turkey-pardoner, after his young son Tad grew close to a turkey destined for holiday dinner, made it his pet, led it around on a leash, and begged Lincoln, an animal-lover, to spare him.
(President Trump tweeted: “Abraham Lincoln was a Republican. Not many people know that. But he was a great Republican president. Trust me.”)
Other turkey-compassionate chief executives listed include, but are not limited to, Ronald Reagan, George H.W. Bush, John F. Kennedy, Richard Nixon and Barack Obama. Several First Ladies have made the kind decision.
Sometimes choosing between two turkeys, but often pardoning both, the presidents consigned the birds to farms or petting zoos rather than the White House dining room. In years past, some of the rescued birds became honorary grand marshals at Disney theme parks. President Trump sent two pardoned turkeys to an exhibit at Virginia Tech..
As evidence of the importance of non-humans, Attorney General Jeff Sessions noted that the Bible instructs people to feed their animals before they feed themselves.
“We can learn so much from the animal kingdom,” Sessions commented, in support of the brief: “A prime example is the mother kangaroo, which carries and keeps her young in her pouch. They’re inseparable, and it’s beautiful.”
(Some cynical critics regarded the comment as not only surprising but ironic, coming as it did from a man who quoted scripture to support the Trump policy of separating children, even infants, from their mothers seeking asylum in the United States.)
Trump, meanwhile, in a Father’s Day message on “Fox and Friends,” contributed some irony of his own. “Family togetherness,” he declared, “is one of the main principles that make America great.”
Asked for comment, Vice President Pence said: “I thank heaven every day for the remarkable man who is our leader.”
“Amen,” said press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
If Federal courts uphold the brief, Trump may pardon Balaam’s ass, which he said “actually did a good thing when it crashed into a wall with its rider,” and the whale that swallowed Jonah. “All treated unfairly,” Trump tweeted.
In some cultures, there are animals (considered “more equal” than others, in George Orwell’s words) that are regarded as sacred — dogs, cats, tigers, monkeys, elephants, cows. And even snakes.
Which brings us back to the creature (no, not Giuliani) that started all this.
If it turns out that the president does have it in his power to pardon a snake, as emphasized by the turkey-pardoning legal brief, he will be able to blithely forgive the deeds of all sorts of creatures, past and present.
And without running a-fowl of the law.
*
Readers who are new to freelance writer Joel Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns are advised that they are satirical and should not be taken seriously.