By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — To save himself from a long prison term, Michael Cohen, who probably knows more about the secret life of Donald Trump than anyone, including the president himself, is cooperating with special counsel Robert Mueller.
But. according to sources familiar with the case, the first revelations of the president’s longtime lawyer and “fixer”aren’t related to politics, but to religion.
Somehow a genealogy firm obtained some Trump saliva (possibly from one of his lengthy speeches). The company then performed some DNA testing and found that Trump was 7 percent Jewish, on his maternal grandmother’s side.
Trump, commenting ”I’ve always been a huge fan of DNA testing,” was delighted with the news. “Seven percent or seventy percent, I give 120 percent,” he declared, and threw himself into being totally Jewish. He started by wearing a yarmulke all day, every day, but gave up the practice after he found that the skullcap mussed his hair.
He joined the first of about eight different shuls in the New York metropolitan area (the synagogues’ names and the names of their spiritual leaders were not revealed.).
At that first house of worship, he made sure everyone know about him and his reputation as an “exceptional” real estate developer, and was soon made chairman of the shul’s Building Committee.
It was there that he made his famous (or infamous) remark that became the subject of a cartoon gone viral about wanting to build a magnificent mechitzah, and have the women pay for it. When congregants expressed displeasure with his remark about the structure dividing male and female worshippers, he insisted he’d been making a joke.
But criticism persisted, and he left the shul. At his next congregation, Trump again was made chairman of the building committee, but left after his plan to build a Trump hotel on shul property was overwhelmingly voted down.
Muttering “anti=Semitism,” he left for yet another synagogue, where he made a very generous pledge to its building fund, but was offended when members of that committee had the temerity to ask he pay a portion of his pledge. He suspected that when congregant spoke of “rich cheapskate,” they were referring to him.
He severed ties with his next synagogue when he coupled his offer of a huge donation with the demand that it be renamed “B’nai Trump.”
But still enjoying his venture into Judaism, Trump attended a week-night minion at his next shul. But when worshipers were dropping dollar bills into the pushke, he argued that it was the people who didn’t attend the service who should contribute, not those who were there. His idea took hold, and the next week, he was offended when a congregant told him that, since he had skipped the service, he should feed the pushke.
At Trump’s next synagogue, the rabbi was lecturing on the Ten Commandments. After the mention of each of the prohibitions – against stealing, bearing false witness, coveting, Trump kept muttering in increasingly loud tones, “Good luck with that one. And when the rabbi emphasized no adultery, Trump walked out.
He quit another one because he didn’t get the first aliyah, and left the next after congregants told him to take his loud remarks during Torah reading outside.
At yet another synagogue, a fan of his boasting urged him to run for president. (Someone named Pence, who was not connected to the shul, called to say, “I second that.”)
Trump ran but was roundly defeated by a woman candidate. He felt the election was “rigged” since he’d never seen many of the voters at services.
In his next shul, the spiritual leader, with whom he’d developed a cordial relationship, called him in for a chat, and suggested that it would be best if Trump agreed to undergo a conversion ritual.
When the rabbi explained it would include immersion, Trump said that would be fine “Mar-a-Lago has a magnificent pool.”
Then the rabbi mentioned circumcision.
“You mean??”
“Yes, but it’s only a token.”
“Token, shmoken,” said Trump, thinking he was speaking Yiddish. “I’m outta here.”
And so ended Donald Trump’s brief dalliance with Judaism.
‘Frankly,” he commented, “I always thought DNA tests were meaningless.”
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Readers who are new to this column are advised that it is all in fun, and nothing above should be taken seriously. Cohen is a freelance writer based in New York.