By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — Perplexed and more than a little peeved, President Trump was on a tear about the responses he’d been receiving from rabbis and other Jewish leaders he’d invited to a gala White House event the coming weekend of July 21-22.
“Almost every RSVP for the kosher extravaganza has been along the lines of ‘thanks for the invite; sorry I can’t attend.’ Bunch of ingrates. Did they forget I moved our embassy to Jerusalem?”
Jared tried to offer a reason for the turndowns. “Dad, Sir, Mr. President,” he began. But Ivanka whispered, “He doesn’t like to be interrupted when he’s ranting.” So Jared nodded, and, according to witnesses to the conversation, waited for Trump’s rage to subside.
“I think I know why so many are unable to attend,” Jared said. “It’s Tisha b’Av, one of the saddest, most tragic days on the Hebrew calendar.”
“How come?
“It marks the destruction of both temples in Jerusalem, the first by the Babylonians, the second by the Romans, plus a bunch of other terrible events: the murder of martyrs, massacres of Jewish communities during the Crusades, expulsion of Jews from Spain in 1492 (leave, convert or die). The list goes on.”
“But, that’s all ancient history,” Trump replied. “Besides, don’t the Jews have an expression: ‘What was, was’? After all these years, they should just suck it up, and move on.”
“And, as far as the temples are concerned,” he continued, “I would have built a better one, finished it before deadline and below budget, and had the Babylonians pay for it.”
“Anyway, why should that keep Jews from attending my gala?”
For one thing, Jared explained, the observance of Tisha B’av features a 25-hour fast.”
“No food?”
“No food, no drink, from before sundown on the eve of the observance to sundown on the day. Observers come to synagogue, and, like mourners of a death in the family, sit on low benches or the floor, mourning the destruction of the Temples.
“Sad.”
“And in the three weeks, and especially the nine days, culminating in Tisha b’Av, there’s no shaving or haircuts, no swimming, no bathing for pleasure, no weddings or other celebrations, no sex.”
“What a downer,” Trump said. “No wonder they look so glum. Let’s turn it around. Just as we’ve been making America great again, let’s make Tisha b’Av fun again.
“Instead of fasting, we’ll have feasting — great food what’s that Jewish dish with the beans?”
Ivanka: “Cholent?”
The president: “Right. Cholent. And lots of gefilte fish – if they can catch enough this time of year. I would have Nova Scotia lox, too, but I don’t want to add to the trade deficit with Canada. And we’ll have the sweet wine flowing like…sweet wine.”
“We’ll turn it all around with a gala celebration. Sit on the floor? We’ll give them plush chairs and couches. No music? A klezmer band.
“We’ll have all kinds of entertainment. An open mike for telling jokes and stories. The Jews are great storytellers. I don’t get a lot of it — too simple or my taste. But audiences love it.
“I think I’ll ask Jackie Mason to be the m.c.”
Trump flashed a wide grin. “Trust me. We’ll make Tisha b’Av fun again! Even the fake news media will applaud me.”
So a new set of invitations will go out, promoting the fun aspects of Trump’s Tisha b’Av, and he expects overwhelming positive response.
Whatever the results of this event, he’s got his sights set on also returning the fun to another Jewish holiday: Yom Kippur.”
Probably expecting to turn every al chait into “all great.” Good luck with that.
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Readers who are new to freelance writer Joel Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns are advised that they are satirical and should not be taken seriously.