By Natasha Josefowitz, Ph.D.
LA JOLLA, California — I just returned from my youngest grandson’s wedding, the one who is not yet 30 and has an M.D. at the end of his name. Yes, I cried. They love each other and have everything in common to live happily forever after. She is lovely, smart, and kind, and not only do we all approve of his choice, we approve of her family, too. What an extra gift it is when each family accepts a new member as its own. In his speech, my grandson talked about how well-integrated and loved he feels with her parents, siblings, and grandparents, while my daughter has welcomed another daughter.
There was a dinner the day before the wedding and a brunch the day after, this gave everyone a chance to spend time together; weddings are such a wonderful opportunity for families to gather and reconnect. People came from all over the country and many came with the children we had not met as yet.
Besides the bride’s and groom’s families meeting and getting to know each other, there were countless aunts and uncles, cousins, and old family friends who have lost touch with each other due to distances and the busyness of life—all embraced each other and marveled at the growing children. I laughed remembering my nephew as a cute four-year-old boy and then seeing him again with a graying beard.
Seeing the children of my first husband’s nieces and nephews gave me the kind of pleasure I don’t get from even the kids of good friends. It was actually a thrill to see them, talk to them, and feel this strange, familiar connection as if we have always known each other even though we had just met. There is some sort of primitive bond, an evolutionary recognition that we will stick together and protect each other. A few millennia ago it was protection from lions; today’s family offers morale support—if needed, advice—even if not needed, and refuge against life’s unpredictable down turns. It’s the tribal thing!
What makes these kind of celebrations even more memorable are the grandparents. There is an unspoken knowledge that every such occasion may well be the last one for these grandparents. It is a privilege to have multiple generations attend. The younger generation can tap into the wisdom and life experiences of their older relatives, who serve as role models.
I still have fond memories of my grandparents. I have remained close to the cousins who used to visit us as children in Beverly Hills, who now come to visit me in La Jolla. One of these cousins’ children also come to visit me with their children. They love hearing the stories about the grandmother they never knew. What memories did we provide the younger generation at that recent wedding? We will never know, but they will be there for years to come.
Then there is another occurrence which makes these events extraordinary: the presence of a 15-month-old baby boy, crawling around between the legs of the guests, happily gurgling at all the attention. We witnessed a reenactment of the miracle of our species coming down from the tree tops to stand erect as that baby grasped the edges of the coffee table and started walking around it, holding on for dear life. His pride at this accomplishment was shared by all onlookers. This little boy made my granddaughter a mother, my daughter a grandmother, and me a great-grandmother again. You would not be surprised to know that he is the most adorable little boy in the whole world!
The real purpose of these family gatherings is not only to give the newlyweds the blessings of the tribe, but to give each other the reassurance that we are indeed a family, a family we can count on, there for each other through thick and thin. Meeting a previously unknown cousin happily enlarges our tribe.
I am in my nineties and danced the hora at my grandson’s wedding; I had no aches and pains the next day. And so I urge my readers to celebrate special events like birthdays and anniversaries, baby namings, bar/bat mitzvahs, communions and weddings, funerals, and memorial services. Be sure to invite all the far-flung family. When the older generation is gone, their children will know they have family members who are there for them. When all else fails and life throws you an unexpected curve ball, there is a relative somewhere with whom you will find shelter because it is a tribal thing!
© Natasha Josefowitz. This article appeared initially in the La Jolla Village News. You may comment to natasha.josefowitz@sdjewishworld.com