By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — President Trump summoned his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, to the Oval Office for what he described as “a heart-to-heart talk.”
(“You always have my heart, sir,” Vice President Pence said from a corner of the room. “Sure, Mike,” Trump said, “Get me a Coke.” To which Pence responded: “An honor, Mr. President.”)
Turning to Jared, Trump said he wanted to know “why so many Jewish one-time faithful, devoted friends and allies are no longer loyal to me. I love Jews more than any president has, just as I love Christians and those other guys.
“Muslims.”
“Right. I even moved our embassy to Jerusalem, so you’d think the Jews would be ever grateful. But no…”
“Dad, Sir, Mr. President,” Jared began, “Like any group, Jews are not all the same. Some are very loyal, others sort-of-loyal, and some even traitorous.”
But Trump continued, “It started with my Economic Council director Gary Cohn –missing an E in his last name and missing excellence in his character. He was doing okay as my adviser. Then I made that speech in Charlottesville, where I said there was blame and ‘very fine people’ on both sides, including the Neo-Nazis who marched.
“What followed were fake news rumors Cohn was going to quit, but he said he felt it was his patriotic duty to stay. He put out a statement, ‘I will not allow neo-Nazis ranting “Jews will not replace us” to cause this Jew to leave his job.’ Cohn stayed through my wonderful tax reform legislation, but then he did quit over tariffs, of all things, and even said he was happier out of the job.”
“Still,” Jared said, “there have been very loyal Jewish cabinet and staff members, Steve Mnuchin, for example.”
Trump replied, “Somebody said he suffered from irritable vowel syndrome. I didn’t get the joke, but I suppose it’s funny. Anyway, he did like to praise me on TV. One of my biggest disappointments, Rod Rosenstein. He even signed the memo about why Comey should be fired. Then he appointed corrupt Mueller for that witch hunt into so-called connections between my election campaign and the Russians. Believe me, there was no collusion.”
“Don’t worry, Dad,” said Jared, there’s movement to get him impeached.”
“That word gives me the creeps,” the president said.
“The worst of all the turncoats, though, is that evil, rotten, lying Michael Cohen, who once said he’d take a bullet for me…now I think he’d duck. And he’s putting out lying tapes about me, to save his own skin. I wasn’t thinking about him when I said I could shoot somebody on Fifth Avenue….but … Michael, someone I hardly knew, was known as my ‘fixer.’. Now he’s out to fix me…good.
What’s that holiday where Jews punch themselves for bad stuff they’ve done during the year?”
“Yom Kippur.”
“Michael will knock himself cold. And his new lawyer…that very not-funny so-called comedian, Larry David.”
“Excuse me, Dad, Sir, but I think you’re mixing him up with the lawyer, Lanny Davis.”
“Well, he’s not funny either.’
“Many Jews have always been my biggest traitors– Schumer, Nadler, Schiff, Pelosi.”
“Dad, she’s not Jewish.”
“But very disloyal. And now, I’ve got a new worry: Allen Weisselberg and his subpoena.”
“But, Sir,” Jared said, “Ivanka points out that he’s been very loyal to the Trump family for decades!”
“Yes,” the president agreed. “But subpoenas have a way of breaking the most loyal of men. I’m seriously thinking of moving the embassy back to Tel Aviv.”
“No matter what, you’ll always have us,” Jared said, meaning himself, Ivanka and their children.
(“And. me,” Pence whispered. To which Trump said, “Mike, did you get that Coke I asked for?”)
Jared then mentioned Stephen Miller.
“What a wonderful human being,” Trump kvelled. “So smart, thoughtful, caring Sometimes I think he’s one of my sons. He reminds me of the late, great Roy Cohn. Wish I could have someone like Roy on my staff. Now, there was a man who was loyal all the way, in every way.” And, inadvertently evoking the OY in lOYalty, Trump commented, “A true credit to his race.”
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Readers who are new to freelance writer Joel Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns are advised that they are satirical and should not be taken seriously.