Obfuscation not Obstruction of Justice
By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO−If Donald Trump is interrogated by Robert Mueller, this is how some of the testimony might sound like.
RM: How is it credible that your son, son-in-law, or campaign manage never told you either before or after about their meeting with a Russian lawyer to get “dirt” on Hillary Clinton?
DT: Although Donald Jr. is my son, I never had much quality time with him. I haven’t even had the birds and the bees talk with him yet even though I’m a genius on such matters. Though Jared is smart, I don’t listen to what he has to say because I’m so fixated on how hot Ivanka is. And Manafort never divulges anything, but he’s a sharp dresser. So I hope you (and I) can pardon him for remaining silent.
RM: You originally said it was your understanding this meeting was only about adoptions, but now you say it was legal opposition research.
DT: Well, Don Jr. initially mentioned adoption, but I thought he was merely indicating that he wanted me to put him up for adoption for neglecting him over the years. What’s wrong with exploring every source of information you can get on your rival? It’s not like receiving negative intelligence about your opponent from a foreign country constitutes collusion.
RM: Mr. President, the United States Criminal Code defines conspiracy as occurring when “two or more persons conspire either to commit any offense against the United States, or to defraud the United States.” It outlaws a foreign national, directly or indirectly, to make a contribution or donation of money or other thing of value in conjunction with a Federal election.”
DT: Just like the fake news, you’re confusing collusion with conspiracy. Rudi has explained the difference to me. He’s not like that traitor Michael Cohen who fabricated a tape of me about an affair which I never had. Yes, I offered to bury that story, but only to protect Melania from the embarrassment. I know better now. Nothing I ever do or say could ever embarrass her.
RM: Why did you ask Russia to release Clinton’s missing emails and praise WikiLeaks for publishing hacked documents from the DNC?
DT: Just politics. No crime; no collusion. Could I ask the court reporter to capitalize all those words and end them with an exclamation mark?
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.