By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — Imagine this scenario:
President Trump is feeling uneasy about his future and finally, at his daughter Ivanka’s urging, agrees to visit a fortune-teller. Known professionally as Mama Lushen, she’s a Jewish woman who comes highly recommended by members of the Sisterhood of the shul that Ivanka and Jared attend.
To avoid being identified, the president has dyed his hair black and Ivanka sports a babushkah. When Trump introduces himself as Errol (“as in Errol Flynn, but not the general”), the fortune-teller responds, “Errol, Shmerel… abi gezunt (as long as you’re healthy).”
She then invites him to sit down and get acquainted before the session begins.“A glass of tea?” she offers. “A nice piece of Danish?”
Trump demurs. “No Danish,” he says, “I don’t want to contribute to our unfair balance of trade with Denmark.”
Mama tells him the fee, adding that it’s payable in advance, because some clients, unhappy with what their fortune holds, try to renege on the payment. Trump says he’d never do that — “I don’t lie,” he lies — and asks how much extra would it take to ensure a good prediction. Mama ignores the question.
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“So, I guess,” he surmises, “absolutely no infusion.”
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When she asks what Trump is most interested in learning about his future, he replies: “How my many world-wide investments will do. Stocks, hotels, golf courses, bank accounts…”
Mama interrupts, “”I tell about all kinds of fortune, not just monetary. You don’t think money is all that matters in life, do you?”
Trump roars with laughter “That’s a good one. That there’s more to life than money. I didn’t realize how funny you people are.”
Mama is ready to get down to business, when Trump notices that the traditional crystal ball is missing. Instead, in the middle of the table stands an empty yahrzeit glass.
She explains: a yahrzeit glass originally contains a candle that’s lit on the anniversary of a loved one’s death, and ordinarily unlocks “many, many memories.”
“Hey,” he says, “I’m not here to find out about your loved ones. This is about mine – me.”
“You seem to get angry very easily” Mama comments.
“It gets me mad when people say that.”
Mama shrugs, and begins her inquiry, including the date and time of his birth. She claims she’s been very successful with studying the yahrzeit glass, then adds, “I used to read cards until I needed them for my canasta game. I don’t rely on a ouija board, and I absolutely don’t conjure up any vision.”
“I get it,” Trump says.. “No illusion.”
“Speaking of illusions” Mama says, “who’s that pretty young woman you came with?”
“My daughter.”
Mama: (rolling her eyes) “Nice…You married?
“For the third time.””
Otherwise, did I have a girl for you!”
He: (muttering) “I’ll bet.”
She hears him “You seem to be very negative.”
“No, no,” he answers. Not at all.”
“I guess, with all your wives, you’re never alone.”
“Never. No seclusion”
Preparing to read his palm, she asks,”let me see your hands…oh, very small. You know what they say about hands.”
Trump interjects, “They’re perfectly proportioned.”
Mama: “Not a scratch on them.”
He: “That’s right. No contusion.”
Mama; “You never did any hard work?”
“I’m a real estate expert. And I’ve had a remarkable career on television, but I didn’t want to mention that. I’m the most modest person you’ll ever meet,” he boasts.
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She asks for an article of clothing to help with foretelling his fortune, and he offers his red tie. Mama says, “Many of my people wear red bands, to ward off the evil eye. Not everybody agrees.”
He: “With my people, there’s absolutely no confusion.”
Mama then reports on what she’s determined about his future thus far, a mixed bag.. .“You’ll be trimmer…”
“No protrusion.”
“You won’t be a matinee idol.”
“No delusion.”
“But, boychick, character-wise you’ll continue to be a champion liar, boaster, insulter, insensitive boor…If there’s a Hall of Shame, you’ll be in it.”
’What’s the downside?
“It’s unlikely but possible, you could straighten out your life,” Mama says.
“So there’s no conclusion, no solution?” Errol retorts. “You’re a hoax, and I demand my money back.”
As the fantasy ends, Errol, roaring mad, is about to reveal his true identity, and Mama hers. “Call me Hillary.”
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Readers who are new to freelance writer Joel Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns are advised that they are satirical and should not be taken seriously.