By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — Cheered by how President Trump’s spirits seem to be lifted when they read him accounts of Biblical and other religious characters, his daughter Ivanka and son-in-law Jared began reading Pirkei Avot (Ethics of the Fathers) to him. They hoped the rabbinical nuggets of philosophical wisdom would take his mind off the increasing number of investigations and threats of criminal charges directed at him.
Some of the philosophical points and the president’s reactions were reported by anonymous sources present at the readings.
“I never realized there were comedians among the ancient Hebrews,” the president commented, when he first heard Rabbi Ben Zoma’s definition of “Who is rich? “He who is content with his lot.”
Said Trump: “I’m never content with my lot until I build a magnificent hotel or incredible golf course on it.”
When Ivanka and Jared explained that, in this context, the word “lot” did not refer to a piece of property but to a person’s portion or destiny, he replied impatiently, “Don’t you think I understood that! Of course, I knew that. But only pathetic losers are satisfied with what they have. You’ve got to keep going after — and getting — more and more and more.”
As to Ben Zoma’s statement, “Who is wise? He who learns from every man,” Trump said: “He’s got it backwards, it should be that everyone can learn from the wise person….like me. I’m very smart, many, many people have told me I’m he smartest person they’ve ever known. There’s so much I could teach people. But they have to be pretty smart themselves to learn anything from me.”
Another teaching, “Who is strong? He who overpowers his inclinations,” struck a nerve with the president. “Another wild idea,” he said. “The only way to overcome what you’re inclined to do is to do it. Otherwise, there would have been so many business opportunities, fortunes, women, I”d have missed.
To the rabbi’s rhetorical question, “Who is honorable? One who honors his fellows,” Trump angrily remarked, “Oh yeah? Tell that to the so-called correspondents at CNN and the very not-funny comedians at Saturday Night Live. What do they know about honor?”
To the sage’ Akavia’s admonition that, “To avoid sinning, know where you came from, where you are going, and before whom you must give an accounting,” Trump commented, “That’s easy. I started out in Queens, then did wonderful work in Manhattan, and now I’m all over the country and all over the world. Still need a Trump Tower in Moscow and a few other places. And, trust me, I don’t have to account to anybody, certainly not to the phony lead counsel of the special witch hunt committee.”
Ivanka and Jared decided to go to another philosopher, Rabbi Judah HaNassi, and his definition of “the right path,” which he asserted was one that was harmonious for the one who chooses it and for mankind. “Humbug,” Trump commented. “You go by that, then everybody takes advantage of you. If you want America to be first, and nobody wants that more than I do, you do what’s harmonious for America, never never mind the others.”
Concerned that their readings weren’t having the desired effect, they switched to Rabbi Meir, who urged “Do not seek greatness for yourself and do not lust for honor.”
“Another comedian,” Trump said. And to some of the “virtues” cited by the rabbi — such qualities as “study. minimizing engagement in business, slowness to anger, not taking credit for oneself, love of humanity, justice and charity, fleeing from honor, lack of arrogance,” the president asked, “Who wrote this, the dumb Dems? Bernie?” |
Not yet defeated, Ivanka and Jared decided to try other sources in the future. At first they thought a children’s classic might serve the purpose, but when “Pinocchio” was suggested, they realized that the reference to Pinocchio’s nose getting longer with every lie he told might cause the president to start looking for a nose-shortening specialist for himself.
They eventually settled on the best-selling book by Rabbi Harold S. Kushner (not known to be a relative of Jared’s), When Bad Things Happen To Good People. But they’re still open to suggestions.
*
Readers who are new to freelance writer Joel Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns are advised that they are satirical and should not be taken seriously.