The President Phones Kids on Christmas Eve
By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO-Following precedent, President Trump phoned children last night to wish them a Merry Christmas. Here is a transcript of one of the calls.
Trump: What’s your name little girl?
Rosita: I’m Rosita and I’m waiting for Santa to bring me presents.
Trump: Regarding that, I have some bad news. NORAD picked up an unidentified aircraft on its radar crossing our border and forced it to land. Border security is my number one priority even on Christmas. The man flying it claimed he was Santa Claus, but he didn’t have any photo ID. It appears he was smuggling bags of foreign made goods into the United States to escape paying tariffs. According to him, he runs a toy factory in the North Pole and underprices his toys by not paying his workers. Can you believe that was legal under NAFTA? The North Pole is located in North America. We suspect this alleged Santa is really a coyote sneaking little men across the Canadian border. We’ve separated them from him and locked all of them up in detainment centers. We don’t know when they will be released because the government is shut down until Congress reconvenes. If anyone asks you why Santa didn’t visit your house this year, just tell them, “Chuck and Nancy.” They’ll know what you mean.
By the way, where and when were you born Rosita? Do you know whether your parents entered this country illegally? Although Santa won’t visit your house tonight, I’m sending a bunch of uniformed men who epitomize the spirit and weather of the Christmas Season. They’re the Icemen. And depending on your answers to the questions I have asked, they may take you and your family on a vacation to a camp. Maybe you’ll meet Santa there. Merry Christmas!
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.