By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — President Trump gave serious consideration to using an eruv as a virtual wall on the border between the United States and Mexico, according to sources familiar with his plan.
It came about this way: He’d essentially dismissed concrete as the material for the wall that he’d constantly pledged to erect, saying steel was essentially stronger and less obtrusive. But then a sample steel slat section was sawed through. So the president sought other materials.
By coincidence, in casual conversation, his daughter Ivanka and son-in-law Jared happened to mention “eruvs,” wire or string additions tied to trees or telephone poles in a given area. These symbolic enclosures enable observant Jews to carry out such activities as pushing a baby stroller within the territory marked by the eruv that otherwise would be a violation of the Sabbath. Trump grabbed onto the idea.
“It will be effective and a thing of beauty, and Mexican Jews will pay for it,” he declared happily.
“I know many, many Mexican Jews, all fine people. Trust me. They happily support Jewish schools, Jewish centers, Jewish charities. They’ll gladly support a Jewish barrier that will keep undesirables out of our remarkable country.”
He added: “Even some other Jews who got hijacked into the Dim-ocratic Party will come out in favor of the wall at this time of crisis, because of the Jewish connection.”
The president went so far as to have Treasury and Homeland Security secretaries and his budget director research the price of what hundred of miles of wire or string would cost. He predicted that the total cost, including installation and maintenance, would be far less than the 5-plus billion dollars his original estimate called for.
“And being the outstanding deal-maker that I am,” he added, “I’ll probably J—oops, chew them down even more.”
When his daughter and son-in-law explained that the purpose of an eruv was not to exclude anyone, certainly not migrants seeking asylum, but to legitimize certain activities on the Sabbath, he responded testily: “Don’t you think I know that! Of course, I know that. I know more about eruvs than anybody, including eruv experts. I just like researching all possibilities.”
Ivanka and Jared also mentioned, very gingerly, that there were people – some from the “corrupt media” – who were contending that the allegedly bad immigrants Trump was railing against as rapists, drug dealers and terrorists, were 5-, 6- and 7-year olds.
To which Trump responded, “They mature early in those countries.”
And then he added: “They don’t send us their best people, believe me.”
His task now –besides convincing congressional opponents to give him the funds he demands — is to settle on its composition material .
Asked what to do with sample materials for the prospective border eruv requested and received by his cabinet members and others, Trump had a practical solution.
“I’ll have them put up at some of my golf courses, so observant Jews will be able to carry their clubs, ride in a golf cart, and play a round, on their Sabbath.”
Seemingly not a concrete solution, but, as with so many Trumpian ideas, par for the course.
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Readers who are new to freelance writer Joel Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns are advised that they are satirical and should not be taken seriously.