By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — President Trump is suing a world-renowned Israeli psychological institute for claiming the his Pinocchio-like nose is an outgrowth of his “pathological lying.”
The action is a countersuit in response to the institute’s allegation that Trump refused to pay for its expert analysis of the cause of his nose expansion…and its recommended cure (stop lying).
“Believe me,” Trump tweeted, “I know more about being sued than anybody. Many hundreds have sued me, and, trust me, they were the sorriest people on earth for doing it.”
His suit names the facility, Emes Genaussen Rhinoplasty Institute of Tel Aviv, known for its treatment success rate and preservation of patients’ anonymity. Also named: its “jive director,” as Trump characterized him, Dr. Avi Gezunt.
The Institute’s suit seeks only to obtain the (substantial) fee for services plus court costs. It may also add a sexual harassment charge against Trump for proclaiming, “I’m still a stud” when he presented photos of his nose to nurse Ava Nagila.
Trump said he’d be represented by Rudy Giuliani “who really nose, I mean knows, about lawsuits.”
(Trump’s secret trip to Israel to find the cause of and possible cure of his nose’s enlargement was reported in several publications, including in this column.)
Decisions in the lawsuits are not expected soon, because a proper venue for the nasal engagement has not been selected, since the parties are citizens and residents of different nations.
Trump had considered suing in the World Court (which he and national security adviser John Bolton have verbally trashed). But that deals only with matters of criminality (for which the Trump-Israeli doesn’t qualify, at least so far.)
Another possible site, the International Court of Justice, settles legal disputes between member nations of the UN. (Trump claimed “As president, I’m more than equal to a member nation.”)
You may remember that his nose had been getting bigger, family and staff members reluctantly agreed, after he constantly studied himself in the mirror and announced he’d come to that conclusion.
He chose not to go to a U.S. facility, where he was certain the “fake-news” outlets would make a mockery of the condition
At the institute, he was given a series of tests to determine what medical condition might be causing the growth of his nose. But all proved negative.
Then, he was hooked up to a special lie detector with an attachment that registers the slightest growth of the nose and issues a before-and-after nose printout.
Dr. Gezunt began asked him questions that elicited lies, such as the size of his inauguration crowed, the great number of illegal aliens he claimed were invading our southern border, and his vast knowledge of all subjects.
With each untruth, the machine would vibrate violently, emit a loud whistle, and issue a paper showing by how much the patient’s nose had lengthened and widened.
Dr. Gezunt and his team decided Trump was a pathological liar, for whom there was no medical help available.
“You’ve got the rare nasal disease –Pinocchio-itis,” he told the president. “Though it started in children’s fiction, it exists in real life. As with the fictional dummy who comes to life, your nose grows with every lie you tell.
“I don’t lie,” Trump had lied. “I may give alternative facts, but never lie.” To which the machine whined and wobbled, seemingly uncontrollably.
Dr. Gezunt continued: “It’s definitely a psychosomatic illness, for which there’s no magical cure, no medicine, surgery or pill But it is curable. With months of no lying…the nose will recede.
Trump was livid ,“These so-called doctors should be locked up.”
He argued about the bill, threatened not to pay anything, and stormed out.
Later, in explaining his decision to sue, Trump told an intimate: “What really ticked me of was being compared to a dummy who constantly lies.”
The friend had no comment.
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Readers who are new to freelance writer Joel Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns are advised that they are satirical and should not be taken seriously. A previous column on the “Pinocchio syndrome” may be accessed by clicking here.