By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — “Ivanka would be a perfect Queen Esther on screen and on the Broadway stage,” President Trump tweeted. “She’s gorgeous, built like a statuesque statue, almost as smart as I am, and she didn’t come out as Jewish until she was in her 20’s. A BONUS – with a top-secret security clearance, she’d make a sensational adviser to the king.”
What’s fueled the president’s enthusiasm is the discovery of two ancient manuscripts, just translated into English, which present differing views of Queen Esther. Published in the United States just in time for the celebration of Purim, they’ve inspired plans for a movie and stage musical about the Jewish heroine.
One, “Esther, Mein Shvester” (“Esther, My Sister,” as translated from ancient Persian to Yiddish to English) presents a critical tell-all portrait, by her brother Lester, of the woman who, serving as a Divine instrument, saved the Jews of Persia from their planned extermination.
The other document, “A Eunuch in the Ahashverus Court,” gives a highly favorable account of the woman credited with the dramatic rescue.
Excerpts from her brother’s manuscript:
“As a kid, she was Hadassah, (Esther was a Persian name,)
She was vain, constantly combed her hair, avoided at all costs going out without makeup, even though she was a stand-out beauty without it. Hogged what we considered our bathroom, kid brother (call him) Ishmael and I often had to take her turn feeding the animals.
Whether pouting, whining, or cozying up, she’d do whatever was necessary to get what she wanted.
Unusual for a woman, she spent as much time as she could studying music, literature, history
Made it a point to be ready when emissaries of the king came looking for queen candidates. When the messengers interviewed her, she may have cut some years from her actual age.
Was a favorite of our parents, and, after they died, also of cousin or uncle Morty (Mordechai), don’t know which. There were later reports he’d adopted her legally. Never Mr. Warmth, he always seemed like a man on a mission – and, as it turned out, he was!
Ish and I were out of the country on business, so we didn’t make it to the royal wedding, and otherwise, I didn’t keep in contact. But I did hear of her brave exploits. She accomplished a great mission, and I take pride in being her brother.
EUNUCH HEGAI
In the account of Hegai, the eunuch in charge of the harem of maiden candidates for queen, a much more favorable portrait emerges.
“Sometimes, it’s good to be a eunuch,” he begins. “Take my own experience.”
My “condition” enabled me to be in charge of the king’s harem, the “House of the Women,” where candidates for queen prepared for a year. There, I was privy to all their secrets. They shamelessly bared themselves, not only their bodies, but more important to me, their souls, without inhibition.
Most, to tell truth, were typical giddy teenagers, concerned with makeup and imaginary romance,
Much different was Esther (originally Hadassah). She was caring and most considerate.The essence of a lady, she was classy in the best sense. Esther was possibly more mature in age but, more importantly, in outlook. Serious and compassionate, she was caring, considerate, grateful for the slightest service or favor, even if was specified in my job description. . And brave beyond words – risking her life for an audience with the king to begin to reveal Haman’s plot and save her people.
She never failed to ask me about my heath and the welfare of my family, and she waited for an answer. If we’d been allowed to gamble, I would have bet that King Ahashverus (Xerxes) would choose Esther as queen. If you’ll allow an attempt at a joke, she was a Shushan shoo-in.
I had suspicions all along that Vashti was falling out of favor with the king, even before her refusal to dance at the big party.
Haman was evil from the get-go…demanding, never grateful, always finding fault. Not my place to say this, but I’m glad he got his comeuppance.
Mordechai was hard to figure. He hung around the palace…eavesdropped…was especially attentive to Esther…and when the whole story emerged, it explained a lot about him.
But I can’t say enough about Esther. There was an exotic quality to her, something, well “foreign,” and when she came out as being Jewish, that explained her exotic quality.
She invited me to witness the wedding, partly hidden behind curtain, and , at the height of the festivities, brought me a dessert herself!
MOVIE AND BROADWAY MUSICAL PLANNED
A motion picture – “Queen Esther, Magical Monarch, subtitled: “Lots of Luck”—and a Broadway show, “The Book of Esther: The Musical,” are planned..
No stars have been selected, no script written, but demand for tickets is already approaching record high, from synagogue sisterhoods and, appropriately, Hadassah chapters.
Coen Brothers, Steven Spielberg, and Spike Lee reportedly expressed interest in producing; Sondheim to write the book.
Streisand, Midler, Streep, JLo, Roberts, and Gadot have all been mentioned as possible stars in the title role. But most have been rejected either because they were too closely identified with previous roles, are too old, or (even in the case of two non-Jews) “too Jewish.”
Insiders say the search will begin for an unknown to play the title role both in the movie and play..
So bring on the maidens (no casting couch, please) and maybe a dedicated eunuch to be in charge. The Queen Esther contest is on in earnest.
*
Readers who are new to freelance writer Joel Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns are advised that they are satirical and should not be taken seriously. Cohen much appreciates reader comments about his columns, but regrets he cannot answer them individually.