NEW YORK — President Trump has started writing a memoir of his presidency, tentatively titled: “Fake News, True Jews, Phony Clues: Told You I’d Make America Great”.
He said he’d expected the memoir would wait until after his second term “but with the wild witch-hunt hoax just completed, you never know.”
In excerpts leaked by insiders who have seen his notes, Trump said he had just been riding high over his first veto – that of a bipartisan bill aimed at overturning his declaration of an emergency at the U.S. southern border.
Now, he said, “I’d like to veto Beto – or however that kook pronounces his name. What a joke – the way he waves his arms like a crazy man.
“Some fake news outlets have made fun of my gestures – how wild is that? — but I do them for a purpose. One nutty correspondent even said that when I turn my head after I make one of my very important points, my profile looks like Benito Mussolini.
“He may have meant that as an insult, but it’s a compliment. Has anyone—until me –ever made the trains run on time like good old Benito?
“Some nut cases have criticized me for admiring dictators. I happen to like strong leaders, not wimps. Anything wrong with that?
“Vladimir is a great guy, in person or on the phone, but there was absolutely no collusion with Russia. I don’t even like their borscht, hot or cold. The crown prince of Saudi Arabia is a terrific guy to have a Big Mac with. They’re all very nice people. victims of their own crooked media.
“Getting back to Beto, did you ever see a list of president-wannabees like the Dumbo-crats? I mean, come on – Pocahontas, ‘old white Joe’ Biden, salad-comb Amy, and “Little Second Fiddle” Castro. Wasn’t Castro the name of the evil dictator of Cuba? They’ve got to be kidding.
“And, speaking of my veto of the bill about the emergency, I referred to an ‘invasion,’ and invasion it is – by rapists and murderers and drug dealers. Some critics point out that many of the invaders are kids as young as 5, but I remind them that people mature early in those countries.
“Some wackos have accused me of being cruel, mainly that the Zero Tolerance policy resulted in separating kids from their parents. Let me tell you, what’s cruel is the invasion. Never mind that fake stats say illegal entry at the southern border has dropped.
“And some critics complain about the so-called cages’ some illegal kids are staying in. Trust me, those cages are beautiful; a lot of people would fight to live in something so nice.
“The quality I prize most is loyalty. To me, there’s no such thing as loyal opposition. If you’re loyal, you’re not opposition, and if you’re opposition, you’re not loyal.
“Some of my most loyal followers happen to be Jewish. There’s always a bad apple that spoils the bunch of bananas, like Michael Cohen – I hardly knew him. But then there’s my Jewish daughter, son-in-law- and wonderful grandkids; there’s Steve Miller, who’s like a son to me, Steve Mnuchin, Alan Dershowitz, Allen Weisselberg, and another fun guy, Sheldon Adelson.
“And the Jews are leaving the Democratic party in ‘doves.’
“My closest people — Jews and others — are very loyal. Mike Pence, for example. True, sometimes he’s too obvious in his sucking-up. But I’d rather have too much than too little.
“I don’t look for honors or glory, but it would be nice to add a Nobel Prize to my many, many accomplishments. At least it would be for some real ones — North Korea, Syria, etc.– not like Obama, who doesn’t even know what his was for. Since I’m president, there’s been no Pearl Harbors, no grabs of territory by Germany.
“Despite all my accomplishments, they bring up the phony fact that I lie a lot. Well, one man’s lying is another’s alternative facts. The corrupt, fake-news media are the ones accusing me. What a laugh. If I told the truth all the time, it would be sooooo boring.
“And they want me to disclose my riches, but that would just make others feel humbled. And if I padded the amount, to get loans, and lowered the amount to pay reduced taxes, who wouldn’t do it?
“Now the kooks want to abolish the Electrical College, the wonderful part of the Constitution that helped me trounce Hillary.
“And speaking of college, Michael “the rat” Cohen said I ordered him to forbid schools from releasing my marks. I was doing people a favor. I’m so smart, had such incredible grades, it would put others to shame.”
As he finished his notes, Trump said he was thoroughly enjoying unburdening himself about some misunderstandings of his presidency, and looked forward to continuing his “One Great Tweet for Mankind.”
Almost as much as we look forward to reading it.
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Satirist Joel Cohen is a freelance writer based in New York. The preceding column is satire and nothing therein should be taken seriously.