By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — Declaring “they love me there,” and generally warmed by positive reaction to his pro-Israel moves and remarks, President Trump is having his lawyers explore how to make Israel a U.S. territory.
At the same time, angered by what critics say was his lack of compassion and failure to respond adequately to Puerto Rico’s needs after the devastation of Hurricane Maria, he’s instructed his attorneys to find a way to divest the island from its status as a U.S. territory.
The two moves are intertwined, sources say. The president was disturbed by criticism, as recent as this week, of what some viewed as his insensitivity to the hurricane-related loss of life and property suffered by Puerto Ricans.
“I’d like them off my back,” he told a confidant. “Wish they could be more friendly to me, like my USA base. If not, just get lost.”
It was then the idea clicked: acquire one, get rid of the other.
He shared the prospect of making Israel a U.S. territory with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, on his recent visit to the U.S.A.
“Bibi didn’t want to make any public comment because he’s running for reelection and being accused by their witch-hunters of fraud,” Trump said. “But I could tell by the way he winked and nodded, he thought it was a great idea.”
“So do I. If we built Trump hotels and golf courses in major cities, Israel would become the go-to place for travelers from all over the world.
“The Israelites are all so appreciative. When I moved the U.S. embassy to Jerusalem, hundreds of them, make that thousands, started dancing the hora. They’ve already built a great wall – they’re my kind of people — a wall that’s lasted for centuries. Many already speak English.
“And one great plus: their athletes will never disrespect our flag; Israelites never kneel.
“When Israel becomes a U.S. territory, I’ll back Bibi to be its first premier or governor or whatever. And after he’s out of office – voluntarily or forced out – I’ll support Jared Kushner for it. Not just because he’s my son-in-law, but for some other reason I’d find, or make up. And between you and me, wouldn’t Ivanka make a sensational Governess!”
For Trump, Puerto Rico is a much different matter. Officials of the island nation, which we acquired from Spain after winning the Spanish-American War, have been outspoken in their criticism of President Trump.
For instance, some say the president committed a heartless act when he threw paper towels to residents as a gesture of simply mopping up the aftermath. (“The brand I threw was supposed to be a quick mopper-upper,” the president said in protest.)
“The Puerto Ricans, who’d be undocumented once they’re no longer a territory, are even making noises about becoming a U.S. state.”
What bothers many, including Carlin Yulin Cruz, the mayor of San Juan, is that despite an estimated 3,000 lives lost in connection with the devastating storm, Trump contended that the territory had received too much rebuilding money compared with such mainland states as Florida and Texas. They accused him of “lack of leadership.”
Trump, in turn charged the mayor and others with not being “able to get their workers to help… They want everything done for them.”
Many Puerto Ricans swung back.
According to Trump, “So-called actor, singer, composer Lin-Manuel Miranda had the hutzpah – I already know Israeli words – had the hutzpah to try to play Alexander Hamilton on Broadway, had the nerve to tweet to me ‘She has been working 24/7. You have been GOLFING. You’re going straight to hell. Fastest golf cart you ever took.’”
But Trump was undaunted. “I think we can get a good price for Puerto Rico. When I mentioned to Vladi that I wanted to get rid of it, he seemed interested.
One sign the President’s motorcade passed said, “You’re a bad hombre.”
To which Trump commented, “See. Even in Puerto Rico, people love me. But my mind’s made up….”
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Satirist Joel Cohen is a freelance writer based in New York. The preceding column is satire and nothing therein should be taken seriously.