Miller, Mueller, and Mexico
By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — As President Trump continues to draft a memoir of his presidency, three M’s are highlighted — Miller, Mueller and Mexico. Some of his latest entries, provided by reliable sources, appear here:
“As everyone knows, loyalty is the quality I value most. If Roy Cohn was alive, I would take him in a New York minute. But since he isn’t, I’ve taken the next best thing, Steve Miller, my honorary son. Some say he’s cold-hearted, but they’re wrong. He’s heart-LESS! I call him ‘Killer Miller.’My kind of kid.
“Speaking of kids, when I was one, I had the most marvelous parents. Very strict. Wonderful. But when they left us to play (watched by a governess we called ‘Dopey Dora’), it was even better. Learning how great I could be, I insulted other kids, even beat some of them up, grew up fast.
“These new, invader kids — by the way, separating them from parents and caging them orange-aded with Obama – are being given the same opportunity. Having a camping experiences, living in fun metal tents, they’ll grow up fast and be very, very happy. But they don’t have to thank me.
“The only way to get Mexico to yield on the wall and stop the huge caravans on the way to the U.S. is not only to declare an emergency and close the southern border, but to punish them. Like, I’m getting my lawyers to look into banning or highly taxing banquet halls that employ mariachi bands. Stop teaching Spanish in schools…stop having ballots translated into Spanish. And closing down Mexican restaurants in the U.S., Tex-Mex and others…even kosher delis that have Mexican busboys.
“By the way, I love Jews more than anybody does, and some of my best staff people have been Jews. There are exceptions, true, like Michael Cohen, a guy I hardly knew, just a gofer for me. And in Congress, of course, two goofballs out to get me, Pencil Neck Adam Schiff and Fat Jerry Nadler.
“To close off immigration, I recently mentioned the country was full. People ask what gave me that great idea – I get them from everything. In a fast-food place, which has great hamburgers, the manager kept urging me to have more and more, saying it would be his pleasure. But I was really too full. And then it hit me just say our country is full — no room for so-called asylum-seekers or other evil immigrants.
“For these and other policies, there are a bunch of witch hunts going on. Mainly the one headed by nobody Mueller, whose report will go to Congress this week and isn’t worth the paper it’s blacked-out on. Even Vladi said there was no collusion and called it a hoax.
“Sure, they just indicted one Dem as if that makes it legit, but we know better. And they indicted a few others on questionable charges, got some to plead guilty to faked allegations, all people I hardly knew. Plain phony.
“And the millions of dollars that so-called ‘special’ counsel wasted, That money could have been wasted, I mean spent, on my wall. It was nothing more than a coup against the president, me.
“Someone who works as hard as I do over long hours serving the American people needs some time to relax, to charge his batteries for more great ideas. So I play golf.
“Some characters say golfers think the whole world revolves around their game, and I admit that if somebody told me a mutual friend had had a terrible stroke, I’d say maybe he should change his grip or his stance.
“Other wackos say it’s only a game, but whatever I do, I like to win. So what’s the big deal if I put a 4 or even a 3 on my scorecard when it actually took me 5 or 6 strokes to put the ball in the hole? You should be very, very proud of me.
“Even though I don’t like talking about myself, I owe it to our now-great nation to share my opinions. This memoir is fun, can’t wait to do more…”
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Satirist Joel Cohen is a freelance writer based in New York. The preceding column is satire and nothing therein should be taken seriously.