By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — President Trump has temporarily completed the memoir of his presidency, called “One Great Tweet for Mankind: Told You I’d Make America Great Again.”
“As much as I’ve enjoyed sharing my very intelligent thoughts about world and domestic issues, I have to devote my full, remarkable energy to ruling, I mean governing. So the memoir will be on hold for now.”
Commenting on the Mueller Report, he said, “Even though it completely exonerates me — as I told the American public, there was no collusion, I knew it was a con job before it came out, and before I read it.
“Can I help it if the world’s strongest leaders — and all their people — love me?
“And wouldn’t it have been smarter for two of the smartest people in the world – Vladi and me, of course — if we wanted to hide our mutual admiration, to pretend not to like each other?
“Speaking of world leaders, I love Bibi and all Israelis, Nobody loves them more. So unless Bibi lost his election – and I can’t stand losers – I decided to invite him for a conference of outstanding leaders, including Vladi, Kim Jong Un, China’s Xi and the crown prince of Saudi Arabia, to Mar-a-Lago for a conference about something. It’ll make a great photo, like Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin. We’ll sell millions.”
When I think of Bibi, I think of Jews I love them more than anybody — but they do have their ways. For instance, Passover, which they’re now observing. They’re supposed to get rid of all food that’s not legit for the holiday. Either they burn it, give it away, or sell it. If they sell the food, it doesn’t leave the house, but just changes ownership for the week of the holiday in return for a token payment.
“This is where I came in last year. Bought house loads of Passover-taboo foods for as little as a dollar. Supposed to sell it back for the same low price, but there’s no law…and so I made quite a bit last year (I could have kept the food, but what was I gonna do with all that pasta and rice?)
“So they were a little reluctant to use me as the go-to non-Jew this year. Who cares? I’m not known as the great deal-maker for nothing.”
Turning to world news, he addressed the calamity that befell Notre Dame, the beloved ancient Catholic landmark. “Sad news from the other side of the world,” he wrote. “Very sad. I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for the Fighting Irish.
“Too bad that, unlike Trump properties, it wasn’t built to last. And, I’m not saying this was the case, but it’s not always smart to give the construction order to the lowest bidder.
“(Note to myself: Remembers to send “Hearts go out, etc., etc., and so forth, to them and similar sentiments to Sri Lanka.) But, at least with Notre Dame, nobody got hurt or killed, so they can’t rightfully ask for aid from good old Uncle Sam.”
Most of the president’s concentration was on domestic matters.
“We have the worst laws and the worst judges. Don’t need any of them. They rely on some Dark-Ages writings supposed to protect people, but which only hurt our (thanks-to-me) great country.
“One fake plot against me is with my tax returns. Sure, old presidents let the public see their returns, even when they were under audit. But there was nothing to them. Mine are an entirely different story. Okay, I admit it – I‘m very, very rich. So sue me. (I‘m kidding. I’ve got enough people suing me already.)
“Another ‘get-Trump’ hoax involves Wikileaks. They say I’ve backtracked from praising Wikleaks during the campaign. Political enemy soreheads are still so crazed over losing an election to a champion campaigner and vote-getter, still so desperate to put me down, they rigged some photos that showed me seeming to praise Wikileaks years ago. I know nothing about Wikilease, and never had anything to do with that outfit.
“But the hoaxers and witch hunters don’t give up.
“Another area where they try to get me is with pardons – one of the great perks U.S. presidents enjoy. A win-win area for justice and the American way.
“They’re making a big deal about me offering the then Border Protection Commissioner McAleenen a pardon if they sent him to jail for telling border agents to block people seeking asylum from entering the U.S. The bleeding hearts say that would be against the law. And, if it is, I’ll use my great power and wisdom to set things right.”
Winding up his thoughts, the president wrote: “I’d like to share more of my great insights with the public, but for now, that’s it. I’ve got a re-election to win.”
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‘Just Kidding’ columns by Joel H. Cohen are satirical. They should not be taken seriously.