By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — President Trump has taken the first step in what he describes as “draining the swamp” of foreign-language media in the United States that he suspects of being critical of “our great nation and even greater administration.”
He commented: “They come here and write and say things, including lies, that most people don’t understand, but are very, very harmful to our wonderful country.“
Accordingly, he’s appointed renowned Israeli linguist, Chaim Pupick, to read, summarize and evaluate Yiddish-language and Hebrew-language periodicals printed here and broadcasts aired here. He will name other experts to do the same with publications and broadcasts in Spanish, Greek, Russian, Japanese and Norwegian, among others.
Heading the “information project,” will be Sean Hannity described by the president as “the finest journalist you can find in print or broadcast media anywhere.”
And the president is inviting to serve as vice presidents of the commission “two of the finest Americans I know” – Coach Bill Bilicheck of the New England Patriots and Sheriff Joe Arpaio (whom he pardoned after the sheriff was convicted of criminal contempt).
Writers and broadcasters who are found to be violating standards of “truthfulness” established by the president and members of the Hannity commission – in other words, criticism they consider unfounded, by those thus regarded as “enemies of the people” –will be punished. Contemplated actions– if Trump has his way– include removal of tax abatement consideration and revocation of green cards.
Asked whether someone in this category found to be undocumented would be deported, the president declared: ”No one is above the law.”
At the same time that he’s planning to punish foreign-language critics, he has an elaborate plan to reward those who have written or broadcast news items and opinions favorable to him and his administration. He’s contemplating establishment of an award comparable to the Pulitzer Prize, that will award statuettes in many categories similar to the Pulitzers.
“I wanted to call it (the statuette) something else,” he commented, “but many, many people thought it was only proper to call it the Donald.”
He’s asked Vice President Pence to oversee these awards, the presentation of which will culminate with a gala annual dinner at Mar-a-Lago.
Commenting on his appointment, the Vice President said: “I am humbled and gratified that the president has such confidence in me that he’s entrusting me with officiating over one of the key elements of his remarkable agenda. I pray every day that he continues to consider me worthy of this confidence.”
Among the categories in which the Donalds are expected to be given are Best Reporting, Best Commentary, Best Cartoons, Best Editorials, and Best Public Service. An added category: Best Nicknames and Other Insults of Hostile Critics.
The president commented: “I’m sure Joe Pulitzer never gave an award to anyone who put him down.”
Winners are expected to be for coverage of such accomplishments as the president moving the U.S.embassy to Jerusalem, withdrawing the United States from treaty organizations, and “keeping undesirables out of the country.”
A decision about the Donalds still to be made: whether it should be produced in gold, silver or bronze. The resolution depends on which is most compatible with a strawberry blond or orange top.”
He commented: “Fake news is fake news in any language, and we’re not going to stand for enemies of our people writing and broadcasting lies in our great country about our great country. I can’t wait for our project to begin.”
As a foreign-language broadcaster might comment: Oy vey.
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Readers new to Joel Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns are advised that they are satire and should not be taken seriously.