The Trump-Putin Phone Call
By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO−Since the CIA surveils communications between American citizens engaged in suspicious activities with Russian officials it intercepted President Trump’s conversation with Vladimir Putin last week. That prompted me to tweet: “Federal phone tappers, if you’re listening, I hope you are able to release the transcript of that conversation.” One patriotic coup conspirator within the CIA shared it with me.
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Trump (T)=Vlad, I hope I didn’t interrupt any annexations of countries bordering Russia, but I wanted to share my great news that I have been totally exonerated of collusion. No surprise to you because you would never meddle in American elections. Could you send me the text for the redacted portions of the Mueller Report?
Putin (P): (An audible smile) You have nothing to worry about Donald. Let me remind you, this was always about helping childless American couples adopt virile Russian infants whose treatment we monitor with implanted listening devices.
T: Now we can get onto more important matters like North Korea. Did you warn Kim about not conducting any more missile tests?
P: Of course, he pinky pledged, or, maybe he used a different finger. But Donald you’re my “лу́чший друг” which means in English, BFF, my best forever fawner.
T: Some of my Deep State generals have warned me that Russia is taking steps to claim large swaths of the Arctic. Tell me it ain’t so, Vlad.
P: Donald, what does it matter? It‘s melting anyway. Secretary Pompeo knows that it eventually open waters to shorten the time it takes our naval ships to cruise to America to reap the benefits of the increased trade resulting from dropping sanctions against Russian companies. By the way, you wouldn’t happen to have the IP address for Joe Biden’s campaign website, not that my techies would ever hack it? Also the next time it rains in Washington, we have some sharp umbrellas to give Adam Schiff, Jerry Nadler, and Elijah Cunnings as goodwill gestures.
T: With the exception of me, you’re the smartest man in the world!
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.