By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — In response to recent criticisms of yeshivas and Jewish day schools for not giving their students enough, if any, of an education in secular subjects, the Trump administration is offering advice and a curriculum intended to close the gap.
“School spirit is important,” the presidential list of suggestions begins, and urges adoption of a motto along the lines of “We’re the greatest.”
“That sets the self-confidence tone that will carry through all activities.”
The advice continues with a strong recommendation that physical fitness not be neglected, and that a robust gym program be a featured part of any program.
While extolling the virtues of exercise, however, the suggested curriculum warns against too much jumping. “That can result in bone spurs, which in turn, can lead to the student’s rejection for much-desired military service later in life.”
Competition against other schools is recommended in such sports as basketball, baseball and football. “But whether against another team, or playing intramural games within the confines of one’s own gym, “It’s not a question of whether you win or lose, as long as you win.”
“That’s a motto that should be emphasized over and over again,” the report declares.
As an example, it cites War Ball, in which the object is to force out an opponent by hitting him with a thrown basketball below the waist – unless he can catch the ball. It’s not a bad idea, the memo suggests, to “accidentally” aim higher or pretend you caught the ball thrown at you although you didn’t.
Conversely, the suggestion list continues, if a competing individual or team has possibly violated a rule, “A student should protest like mad, even though he’s almost positive there was no violation.”
In general – in sports or other aspects of life – the report observes, “repeat stories, boasts or accusations often enough, and people will believe them to be true.”
“A great lesson for later life.”
Turning to school safety, the memo continues: “Because kids love guns, and because they should be trained in using firearms, weapon-familiarization should be a part of any curriculum. As the president has said many times, if the Israelite had had spears and swords in Egypt they would never have been enslaved by Pharaoh…and had they been armed in Persia, Haman would never have been a real threat.”
On the subject of bullying, the report to teachers and administrators states, “Nobody is advocating it, but it’s better to be the bully than the victim”
Accordingly, “Insulting nicknames that put people down can be an effective weapon, so feel free to encourage students to call rivals such names as Four-Eyes, Chubby, Jelly Belly, and Wimpy; the seven dwarfs can be good sources – Dopey, Sleepy, Grumpy.’
“Kids love contests, so maybe conduct a Tweeting Contest to see who can come up with the most insulting nickname.”
Another tweeting, essay-type contest recommended by the report: “Why the Second Amendment Is My Favorite.”
And yet another: My Favorite Strong Leader, and Why I Picked Him. If students need suggestions, offer Vladimir Putin, North Korea’s Un, and, of course, our own president.
Acknowledging that science must be included in any good secular curriculum, the list predicts that students will inquire about climate change. “Emphasize that it’s a big hoax.”
As to geography, “Don’t waste time with crappy countries in Africa and South America. Emphasize Norway and other European nations more compatible with the good old USA.”
Civics can be a big favorite with students, the recommendation report says, including immigration. “Emphasize that if we need immigrants to do work that real Americans don’t want to do, let them in for that, but then they have to leave.”
A major recommendation is to enlist student support for doing away with term limits, especially for the U.S. president. “Term limits cheat Americans of the great opportunity to have a great leader continue to serve them.”
To ease traditional dislike of mathematics by most young people, the report urges calling it:’Creative Math” and encouraging a student, who, say, has particular difficulty with subtraction to change an assignment’s minus signs to pluses.
Also, instructors are advised to teach youngsters to be creative in reporting on their allowances: “Pretend to get and have more than you really do, and others will look up to yo…but if you’re being harassed, claim a lot less. Another good life lesson.”
“To make it in the outside world,” the advice concludes, “kids have to know how to dress. If their religion requires wearing black, okay, but at least break it up with something colorful, say a red tie – which is like their good-luck red band, and which President Trump himself often wears.”
And maybe a red baseball cap with the letter MYGA (make yeshivas great again) on it?
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Readers unfamiliar with the works of author Joel H. Cohen are assured that the preceding was satirical and should not be taken seriously.