OpEd: A straight Pride parade, you want?

SAN DIEGO — There’s been some buzz about a “Straight Pride Parade” being organized in Boston. It seems that some heterosexual men feel left out and want some attention. It’s kind of like how an older sibling, accustomed to the spotlight, feels jealous of a new baby. It’s right up there with the “War on Christmas” and “White History Month.” It sounds silly and deeply insensitive to how many troubles the LGBT+ folks have endured to get this far.

Now, before you go there, no. I’m not coming out. That lifestyle is not for me. But I have enough LGBT friends to be an ally.

As to the parade, I say, let them parade. The floats will probably be festooned with sports paraphernalia, weapons and engine parts. The truly ambitious could turn their floats into some very cool engineering projects. Like a giant frat party, the event will be very loud with Heavy Metal, the roar of engines and cheering drunkards. Budweiser, Harley-Davidson and John Deere would be ideal sponsors.

But let’s give them the full Pride experience. Let’s give them a taste of what the pride folks have endured over the years by lining the streets with protesters, which I see divided into three groups.

First, feminists will accuse them all of sexual assault. Some good chants would be “No means No!” and “Keep your hands to yourself!” Of course it’s not fair. But gay men, even those in long term relationships, have long been accused of sexual predation. So this false equivalence levels the playing field.

Second, church groups should makes signs with Bible verses about “fornicators” being thrown into the Lake of Fire. Womanizing is also sinful, even if religious leaders don’t decry it as loudly. Moreover, an irresponsible young man who impregnates a woman and then bails, forces his partner to make a very painful choice. Does she
have an abortion or raise her child as a single mother? Many view the former as a heinous act of murder and are therefore making the procedure much more difficult to safely and legally obtain. On the other hand, single mothers face far greater obstacles on their paths to higher education and sustainable careers. And the children of single mothers are statistically more likely to have problems in school and later in the legal system. Young women -especially those in the inner cities- are painfully aware of this.

Third, a group of “bears” (large gay men) should scream at them while drumming aluminum baseball bats, not actually hurting anyone, but being just intimidating enough to make the paraders concerned for their own safety.

And maybe after all that, a little light will go on in the heads of these shmendricks. Maybe a little voice will break through the din telling them that they’re not the oppressed minority. They’re not the ones who need protecting. They’ll forget the bubkes and realize that they’re the ones who need to step up and be the protectors of the weak, the real men, the menshes, that they’re supposed to be.

Amen.

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Tauber is a freelance writer based in San Diego.  He may be contacted via eric.tauber@sdjewishworld.com