By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — Still angry over an aide coughing while he was answering a television correspondent’s question, President Trump has contracted with an Israeli company for a system to repress natural body noises in the Oval Office.
The company, Sha Shtil (“Shh, quiet”) Research, Ltd., headquartered near Tel Aviv, is regarded as the world’s leading developer of software to combat the sounds of such bodily functions as coughing, sneezing and belching.
What prompted the president’s obvious displeasure occurred recently when he was being interviewed in the Oval Office by George Stephanopoulos of ABC News. The president was in the midst of answering a question when his acting Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney coughed.
“Let’s do that over, he’s coughing in the middle of my answer,” said Trump, who then scolded and ordered Mulvaney out: “If you’re going to cough, please leave the room. You just can’t, you just can’t cough. Boy oh boy.”
And, as if he hadn’t already made his point, added, “I don’t like that, you know, I don’t like that.”
Later, the president muttered to a member of his family, “We’ve got to do a better job of vetting. A cougher shouldn’t get a high-placed job in my administration any more than an attorney general who’d recuse himself. Next thing you know, they’ll recommend hiring someone who openly disagrees with me.”
Even before the Mulvaney incident, the president was concerned about coughing and sneezing in his presence. He once considered asking the Surgeon General to post a knowledgeable medical person outside the Oval Office to dispense cough- and sneeze-repression medicines to those about to enter. He abandoned the idea because of concern that the “people’s enemies” would ridicule him.
It is well-known that Trump considers coughing and sneezing signs of weakness and lack of control. A former 2016 Trump campaign staff member reportedly was warned by “multiple people”never to cough or sneeze in his presence.
To the president, coughing while he’s speaking is not only an unclean invasion of space, but, in his words, “first-class rude, especially to the leader of the free world, who happens to be me.” He added, “Can you imagine anyone having the nerve to cough when Vladi or Un is speaking?”
Trump’s hope is that technology being developed by Sha Shtill will solve the problem.
While the Israeli firm is seriously devoted to its mission, it has made up lighthearted names for its dedicated departments: Among them, SNORT ABORT and STEM THE PHLEGM, for coughing; SNORE LEAVE and NASAL WARFARE, for snoring; SQUELCH THE BELCH for the obvious target, and so on.
Research into repressing the sound of sneezing has run into some controversy, due to a long-held Jewish belief that a loud sneeze confirms that what was just said is true: G’nossem tsum emes.
If the president thought a sneeze was confirming the veracity of what he’d just said, of course, he might react favorably.
But otherwise,Trump makes no secret of the fact that he’s a major germaphobe, who supposedly has always tried to avoid pressing the much-pushed ground-floor elevator button. He also considers handshaking “barbaric,” explaining “I happen to be a clean hands freak. I feel much better after I thoroughly wash my hands, which I do as much as possible.”
While skeptics have said Sha Shtil’s basic technology is just an updated version of garlic worn around the neck to keep germs away, the firm vehemently denies it, but offers no details. The company has top-secret dedicated departments working on formulas to change repressed coughs and sneezes into whispered words, such as “right-on, sir” or “so true,” which President Trumps would thoroughly enjoy.
In supporting these projects, the president said, I’m doing what my Jewish friends– and believe, me, I have scores of them – what they call a mitzvah…a lot more worthwhile than the phony baloney the corrupt media makes up about so-called climate change.”
Whose budget will pay Sha Shtil? Health, Education and Welfare, Trump said, was most appropriate.
Asked whether an ambassador or foreign leader visiting the Oval Office would be asked to wear a cough-repressing device before entering, the president said, “We’ll see. Everything’s on the table.”
Meanwhile, we can suggest only what Archie Bunker often told Edith:
Stifle.
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Readers unfamiliar with the work of humorist Joel Cohen are assured his “Just Kidding” column is satire and should not be taken seriously.