Humoring the headlines: July 2, 2019

Trump’s Diary: “How I Brought Peace to Asia”

By Laurie Baron

SAN DIEGO−I, the President, have just returned from my trip to Japan and Korea.  I was supposed to practice diplomacy, but I’m so good at it, I don’t have to practice.  I treated it like a reunion with great friends like MBS, Xi Jinping, and Vlad.  Ivanka charmed everyone and even sold some items from her line of clothing and jewelry.  Jared solicited funding from the Gulf countries to bribe North Korea to denuclearize since this approach has worked so well in the Middle East.

Pressed by a reporter, I ordered Vlad not to meddle in American elections, but he knew I was kidding.  Now I have a video clip I can put in my campaign ads to show how tough I am with Russia.  We have so much in common: Both of us loath Western liberalism in California and the media with the exceptions of Fox News and RT.

I made a great deal with Xi Jinping.  Instead of imposing additional tariffs on China, I lifted the ban on the sales of Huawei equipment despite the intelligence warning me that the company’s products pose a security threat.  As a token of his appreciation, he gave me a lapel pin and made me promise that I wear it at all times.

The real surprise was when I tweeted that I would like to meet with Kim Jong Un at the DMZ.  Kim is so infatuated with me that he acted as if I had swiped right on Tinder.  When we met, he greeted me in English and I noted how no one alive had ever heard his voice.  Some dead North Koreans had heard it after he yelled, “Fire!”  But they deserved it.  As I walked into North Korea, I thought to myself, “That’s one small step for a man; one giant step for my poll numbers.”  He congratulated me for “crossing the line.” I learned later on the flight back that “crossing the line” usually means behaving in a way that is inappropriate.  Then I recalled that E. Jean Carroll said the same thing when I helped her try on lingerie in Bergdorf-Goodman’s.  There’s a big difference between my relationships with both of them: Kim is my type.

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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.