NEW YORK — Concerned that his Jewish support is waning, President Trump has consulted a southern California psychiatrist for help.
(This account is based on what was disclosed by a witness to the session, who either accidentally overheard he discussion or deliberately eavesdropped.)
The psychiatrist is also a rabbi, which caused the President to ask, “What should I call you?”
The therapist, who asked not to be identified, replied: “Call me anything, but not late for mincha,” and erupted into a giant roar.
“That’s a good one,” Trump said (while muttering to himself: “I don’t get it”). I didn’t know you guys made jokes.”
“We try…and, tell me, what should we call you?”
The president thought for a moment and then said, “Mr. T. He’s a wonderful character and an incredible human being.”
“Fine. Now, what brings you here?”
“Well, Ivanka — isn’t she something? — Ivanka and Jared said you were the one guy who could help with my dilemma.”
“Go on.”
“Well, as everyone knows, I’m the most popular President the country has ever had, starting with the size of the crowd at my inauguration. Of course, the enemies of the people, fake news media deliberately miscounted, but we know the truth.
“I’m loved by everyone, especially strong world leaders like Vladi Putin and Un and the crown prince of Saudi Arabia. Bibi is like a brother to me, and Steve Miller could be my son. He reminds me so much of myself when I was his age. Steve Mnuchin is still loyal, and so is Sheldon Adelson,
“But so many Jews, who used to be my most loyal friends, seem not to be so loyal after all.
“Michael Cohen turned out to be the worst turncoat since Benny Arnold. Epstein is a major disgrace, not that I was ever a fan.
“I didn’t overreact when Ivanka — who’s so terrific — converted to Judaism, though, between you and me, I didn’t see what the big attraction was. It wasn’t in the plan, but eventually I got to like the idea, and when she married into the Kushner family, I was very happy.
“Outside family affairs, I even moved our embassy to Jerusalem. What more do these people want?”
“What indeed?” the psychiatrist said.
“I’m such a good person. I pledged thousands, make that millions, of dollars to Jewish charities…”
Psychiatrist: “Did you honor those pledges?”
Trump: “What’s your point?” The President continued: “Anyway, so many Jews have turned disloyal. The Jewish show biz people, forget about it. You just have to look at Meathead Rob Reiner.
“The Dim-ocrats in Congress all have a vendetta against me, Including some of the biggest names. There’s the congressman from Tennessee or some other decrepit state, named Cohen; there’s Raskin. And some of my biggest enemies are Sleepy Schumer, Skinny Neck Schiff, Chubby Nadler and Isaiah Cummings.”
“I‘m pretty sure Cumming’s not Jewish,” the psychiatrist whispered. “And, isn’t his name Elijah?””
“Isaiah, Elijah, what’s the difference? All those Hebrew prophets were the same — a bunch of doom and gloomers.(Though I liked those who predicted destruction for their enemies.”)
“Why do you think your Jewish support is eroding?” the psychiatrist asked.
“You tell me. That’s why I’m here.”
“Okay, let’s try a few possibilities,” the psychiatrist said. “Because you constantly insult individuals and groups?”
“Did you ever hear those Jewish Borscht Belt comics?” Trump asked. “They made their living on insults. If Jews had saints, Don Rickles would have been named one.”
“Then maybe because of your constant lies? One publication clocked you at thousands.”
“Some of the major Jews in their Bible lied. And, by the way, I don’t lie — maybe tell some alternative truths, but no lies.”
“Maybe it’s because you have a history of, excuse me for saying this, “stiffing” workers and contractors with whom you did business.”
“Their word against mine.”
“Maybe it was your bias in housing against Jews, going way back?”
“That wasn’t against Jews, it was against blacks.”
“Very comforting. Maybe it’s your stand on gun control.”
“Listen, a well-regulated militia is what made this country what it is today. Bad guys are always going to have guns. We should let the good guys have them. The controls the Dims want are the first step to taking guns away.”
Psychiatrist: “Car owners must have their vehicles inspected, registered, seat belts installed. That doesn’t mean anybody’s coming to take their cars away.”
“You can’t be serious,” Trump commented.
“What about your treatment of immigrants, especially children, at our southern border?”
“I love children. Nobody loves them more. If there hadn’t already been a Father’s Day when my kids were born, they would have created it in my honor.”
Running low on ideas, the psychiatrist asks, “How about your whole mistreatment of foreigner seeking asylum and citizenship here?”
“I’m the greatest friend immigrants ever had. I just helped a couple from Slovenia become U.S. citizens.”
“You mean Melania’s parents?”
“So?” “By the way,” Trump asked the psychiatrist. “Are you Jewish?”
“Yes.”
“Are you a Trumpster?”
“Can’t answer that. A matter of ethics.”
To which Trump commented: “The Jews are too concerned with ethics.”
Psychiatrist: “Mr. T., I think you’ve found your answer.”
*
Readers unfamiliar with Joel Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns are advised that it is strictly satire, and nothing herein should be taken seriously.