A “Really Beautiful Letter” from Chairman Kim
By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO: President Trump disclosed today that Kim Jong Un had sent him “a really beautiful letter.” Fortunately, a colleague who knows an anonymous White House source familiar with the letter has shared some of its contents to me.
Most Esteemed Orange Buddha,
Ever since you penetrated my forbidden zone and touched my hands, I, like the women you have seduced, felt the fire and fury of being the object of your affection. I even have learned things from you. When I put my political enemies in Reeducation Camps, I make their families stay there as well. You separate the parents from their children. We will have to conduct a joint study to ascertain which method is more of a deterrent to criminal conduct.
You could learn from me too. We both believe in heavily fortified borders. I’m trying to keep people from escaping and you are trying to keep people from entering. If you win a second term, I will advise you on how to prevent people from fleeing the United States.
I have heard that there is concern in your intelligence agencies about my recent missile testing. I intended to show China that North Korea could strike it if it didn’t reach a trade agreement with you. North Korea will buy lots of soy beans to compensate your farmers for their losses. We can’t pay you anything yet, but if you trust that I will denuclearize, then you can trust me when I promise that your farmers will get rich from future North Korean purchases. North Koreans will appreciate American generosity since soybeans taste better than dirt and grass. I also observed that your Congress is having trouble deciding on banning assault weapons. From my experience, when such weapons are in the hands of soldiers, then you don’t have to worry about what Congress thinks.
Since I am now your devoted servant and best buddy, I wondered if I could get the same deal as Israel. You recognized Jerusalem as Israel’s capital and annexation of the Golan Heights without getting anything back in return. As a good faith gesture, could you convince South Korea to finally surrender and be annexed by my nation? It would cement the harmony you have brought to the region and win both the Nobel Prize for both of us.
With Admiration and Love,
Kimmy
Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.