Make Holidays Affordable Again
By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO−President Trump postponed imposing a new round of tariffs on popular Chinese consumer goods “for Christmas season, just in case some of the tariffs would have an impact on U.S. customers.” His new economic doctrine is trade wars are good except if they spoil your holidays. He has released his plans for other holidays as well.
Valentine’s Day: The duties on Canadian paper will be suspended for a month to lower the price of greeting cards. Sex with minors will be decriminalized for the day because who knows where Cupid’s arrows will land.
Passover: In deference to Ivanka and Jared. The United States will subsidize matzah imported from Israel as long as it is manufactured in plants in the Occupied Territories or the Golan Heights.
Easter: Cadbury chocolate rabbits and Boris Johnsons made in the UK will not be subject to tariffs as long as the UK has left the European Union by then.
Ramadan: As a gesture of goodwill to the Muslim community and religious tolerance, terrorists will be given free breakfasts or lunches from restaurants that specialize in pork dishes.
Cinco de Mayo: Invasive holiday, but the government will supply the ICE.
Memorial Day: Austrian Glock weapons will be duty free so American veterans can commemorate the good wars the US used to win.
Independence Day: Although the tanks rolling down Pennsylvania Avenue will be American made, the fireworks imported from China will be exempt from tariffs if the country has cracked down on the Hong Kong protests by then and resumes buying American soy beans.
Labor Day: A problematic holiday whose name with be changed to the Right to Work Day. Drivers from DoorDash and Grubhub will forfeit their pay to make it cheaper to order out fast food.
Halloween: Most costumes and toys come from abroad. The federal government will purchase flags which celebrants can wrap themselves in and MAGA hats to wear while trick or treating.
Thanksgiving: Tariffs on poultry from Turkey will be suspended.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.