‘Just Kidding’: Trump meets with religious leaders

By Joel H. Cohen

Joel H. Cohen

NEW YORK —  It’s been a dark period for President Trump— his tariff increase on China have backfired…his often-announced plans for building the wall on the U.S. southern border remain stalled… his poll numbers are falling…and he’s even dissed his favorite news outlet for being critical of him (“Fox isn’t working for us,” he complained).

The latest area of vulnerability: news reports that refugees, most of them children, who have been allowed to stay in the United States for life-saving treatment they can receive nowhere else, are being told to leave within 33 days or be deported.

A special committee of 15 religious leaders of various faiths has been formed and granted a meeting with the president, who told the group at the outset: “I can only spend a few minutes. I’ve got so much on my presidential plate – the stock market, North Korea (“Un loves me”) keeping Iran in its place, the ungrateful Puerto Ricans, Jews who still plan on voting for Democrats, fixing up the Doral, working on my golf, uh, reelection campaign.”.

In greeting the committee, Trump commented, “I’ll be honest with you..no one has more respect for religious leaders than I do. Certainly not Obama or crooked Hillary.”

Then, noticing two women in the clergy group, he said, “I didn’t know rabbis and ministers could be so pretty.” When the women and other committee members frowned at the remark, he added, “and I mean that in the most respectful way.”

The informal chairman of the committee, Rabbi Chaim — they all ll preferred using only their first names — spoke of the urgency of extending the stay. “Otherwise, it’s the equivalent of a death sentence.”

“An exaggeration,” Trump exclaimed. “Played up by the fake news media, to get me criticized.”

Then he added: “First, you let in the very sick, then the not-so-sick, then the well, and then comes the invasion — yes, invasion — of rapists and drug lords. It’s a very slippery slope.”

When several of the clergy pointed out that at least one young refugee being treated had for years provided doctors with invaluable research on how to treat what had seemed to be an untreatable physical condition, Trump replied: “Believe me. I know more about medical research than the researchers. And I’m a world-class expert on germs, a germaphobe…

“If I touch anything or anyone, I wash my hands a dozen times. I even avoid pressing the ground- floor button of an elevator, it’s got so many people’s germs. Now that I’m president, of course, my aides do the button pushing

“By the way, “ he went on, “my administration has done more for our great country than any in history. Tax cuts, moving the Israeli embassy to Jerusalem, eliminating some of those crazy regulations on industry because of the phony stories about climate change….:

Rabbi Chaim interrupted. “With all due disrespect, Mister President, I think you’re getting a little bit off the subject. What about the critically ill children whose very survival depends on being allowed to stay here?”

“I’m a world-class lover of sick children.”

Several committee members noted that taking care of the sick was a cardinal principle of their faith. Rabbi Chaim said that just visiting the sick was a major mitzvah of Judaism.

“I know more about what you people eat on Passover than most rabbis do.”

“Sir, I believe you’re mixing up the word “matzah” with “mitzvah,” which literally means commandment, but it also has come to refer to an act of kindness done in keeping with the law.’

“‘Matzah, mitzvah, as long as you’re healthy,’ as Jared likes to say,” Trump replied.

Rabbi Chaim continued, “Again we remind you, ordering these desperately ill youngsters out of the country amounts to a death sentence.”

“And again, fake media will say anything to embarrass me.’

‘But what if they’re correct?

“We’ll see”

“Time is of the essence, so we implore you, lift the order to expel these unfortunate youngsters, which would ultimately result in their death.”

‘We’ll see,” Trump replied.

(That “we’ll-see” vision of his may well turn out to be distorted, as it often is. Then — pun intended — the House Oversight Committee may be the appropriate instrument to put the grave issue in proper focus.)

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Readers unfamiliar with Joel H. Cohen’s humor columns are assured that they are satire and should not be taken seriously.  However, in this case, Cohen has appended a serious note:  “The order that critically ill immigrant children must, within 33 days, leave U.S. hospitals where they are receiving life-saving treatment not available in their own countries, is one of the Trump administration’s most inhumane pronouncements,” he wrote.  “All of us should immediately contact our representatives in the U.S. Senate and House and urge them to put pressure on President Trump to rescind the cruel order. Maybe remind the president that inaction could cost him votes.”