Doggy Diplomacy
By Elona Baron (as told to Laurie Baron)
SAN DIEGO−Although I don’t watch television, I listen to it because my bed is in the family room near the TV and my owners are so inconsiderate they don’t turn it off the 18 hours a day when I am trying to sleep. I heard this week that the Golden Deceiver fired John Bolton. What did he expect when he appointed Bolton? From my own experience, I don’t want to be near two alpha dogs when they are in the same room. The biting, the growling, and the marking of territory guarantee that eventually one of them is going to send his rival packing with his legs between his tail or, in Bolton’s case, under his moustache. *
Dogs constantly negotiate and struggle with each other because we come in so many varieties and hail from so many countries. I’m a midsize mongrel, but little dogs constantly yap at me because they are insecure. In humans this same behavior compensates for insecurity about having a small brain and hands. French poodles don’t like American and British breeds. Rather than just speak the universal language of barking, they insist on the right pronunciation and volume. German shepherds instigate turf wars. Pugs are pugnacious. Russian wolfhounds are sneaky and interfere in elections. Many Afghan hounds have teamed up with the Taliban.
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As a mongrel, I believe politicians should appoint people capable of appreciating several points of view. Canines don’t pontificate but we sometimes are dogmatic. Leaders should surround themselves with diverse cabinet members. [ I should note dogs resist the notion of belonging to a cabinet because the term reminds them of the word crate.] I doubt the Golden Deceiver will heed my advice. He’s looking for a lapdog.
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Elona resides with Bonnie and Laurie Baron. The latter is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. No animals were harmed in the writing of this column.