SAN DIEGO−Donald Trump: “The [energy efficient] bulbs that we’re being forced to use – number one, to me, most importantly, the light is no good. I always look orange.” No, the lights in your tanning booth make you look orange, President Raccoon Eyes!”
*
Donald Trump: “Saudi Arabia oil supply was attacked. There is reason to believe that we know the culprit, are locked and loaded depending on verification, but are waiting to hear from the Kingdom as to who they believe was the cause of this attack, and under what terms we would proceed!” Trump is verkakte and bloated. Given the examples the Saudis have set in how to treat dissidents, homosexuals, and women, why wouldn’t the President follow their lead?
*
Vice-President Pence: “Triple Crown winner American Pharoah bit me so hard on the arm during a Kentucky visit last year that I almost collapsed.” Ever since he was smitten by the American Pharoah he’s suffered from a collapse of conscience.
*
Donald Trump: “I am pleased to announce that I will name Robert C. O’Brien, currently serving as the very successful Special Presidential Envoy for Hostage Affairs at the State Department, as our new National Security Advisor.” News bulletin: Robert O’Brien has been taken hostage by the White House. There are fears he will succumb to Stockholm syndrome.
*
Donald Trump: (July 2019) “No preconditions. If they [the Iranians) want to meet, I’ll meet. Anytime they want…. No preconditions. If they want to meet, I’ll meet.” (September 2019) “The Fake News is saying that I am willing to meet with Iran, ‘No Conditions.’ That is an incorrect statement (as usual!).” Fake news or pathological lying?
*
Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.