NEW YORK — Members of President Trump’s family — his two older sons and “the other daughter” — plan to market a line of sukkas in time for next year’s Sukkot holiday.
The top-of the line items, which the president has nicknamed “Trump Tabernacle Tents,” will each bear a golden capital T, which will glow in the dark for the benefit of those who want to visit the sukkas in the evening.
President Trump will not officially take part in the planning and selling of the tents because of possible violation of Federal law about personal profit while in office. But, according to insiders, he will be a very active participant.
Among the features planned are retractable roofs, and heating/cooling appliances. “The propaganda about climate change is one of the biggest hoaxes going,” the president commented. “But we’re planning to sell these tents all over the world, and some areas really do have extreme temperatures. Our tents will accommodate them.”
The sukkahs will be available in several sizes, the largest able to seat as many as 300 people.
Among features being discussed, although some family members warned they were inconsistent with holiday observance, are free wi-fi connections and continuous television (Fox and Friends only).
Top-of-the-line Trump sukkahs will come with reclining seats, a snack bar and indoor lavatory, among other options. Real fruit will be delivered throughout the holiday period. (President Trump thought that sukka-tash, “whatever that is,” would be an appropriate addition. One addition already planned is a rack of books and magazines, in addition to prayer books, for those who, in the president’s words, “have prayed enough.”
Because strangers are traditionally welcome to the sukkah, machinery will e available to check visitors’ ID.
Instead of traditional pictures of a biblical figures and revered rabbis of old, the Trump offerings will feature photos of the president at various highlights of his life, and some world leaders he admires, including Russia’s Putin, Turkey’s president Erdogan, Xi of China, Un of North Korea and the crown prince of Saudi Arabia,
All these nations are among candidates to manufacture the sukkas, sources said. Which are selected depends on the status of relations with the United States at the time.
Vice President Pence, who had fallen out of favor with President Trump after unsubstantiated rumors surfaced that he and his wife were picking out drapes for the White House, won back presidential approval with this comment:
“We should all be thankful to our Creator that our magnificent president, who has the world on his very competent shoulders, has taken the time to approve the manufacture and marketing of the religious tents for our many, many Jewish friends. This gesture is on a par with President Trump’s wonderful decision to move our embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem. It’s an incredible gift.”
It may be a gift, but a costly one. The top-line Trump tents will retail for thousands of dollars each. What may soften the monetary blow is the understanding that part of the proceeds will automatically funnel into the president’s re-election campaign treasury.
Needless to report, the president is exceedingly proud of this offering. “The tents are an inspiration beyond even my amazing dreams. They’ll be so much in demand that even people who aren’t Jewish will use them all year ’round.”
“Another great accomplishment of mine,” the president said. “Sometimes even I’m amazed.”
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Readers unfamiliar with Joel H. Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns are assured that they are satire and should not be taken seriously.