NEW YORK — President Trump, inspired by the Biblical account of Jonah and the whale, now wants live whales to protect the border between the United States and Mexico.
At the same time, he’s planning to develop a theme park in Florida, based on the story.
First, his novel idea for border-patrol:
Trump had a plan for building a moat between the U.S. and Mexico, and stocking it with alligators and snakes, to keep out immigrants. But he and his idea were roundly criticized, especially by his usual enemy, “the fake media,” and he looked for an alternative.
When his daughter Ivanka and son-in-law Jared read the story of Jonah and the whale to him, it gave Trump the idea to build a moat filled with fear-inspiring, but nicer than snakes, whales.
“I’m an incredible man of action” the president said, as he announced that he had already ordered the United States Fish and Wildlife Service (an agency of the U.S. Department of Interior) to procure a variety of live whales, for border-security assignments.
He planned to include only-English “Swim at your own risk” signs. (“That should encourage them to
learn the language,” he commented.
He added that he was confident the whale-filled moat would keep out “the undesirables.”
Then, turning to his planned water resort, tentatively called Mar-a-Lagoon, he said highlights would include
ordinary passenger boats and whale-shaped vessels. The ticket of one passenger on each regular boat
sailing would secretly be marked “Jonah” and, at a given signal — probably a cannon firing — that
— passenger would be expected to either jump into the water or be thrown overboard by other passengers or crew members. That person would then be expected to swim as quickly as possible to one of the whale-shaped craft.
The first on each sailing to arrive will win an expensive, yet-to-be-described prize.
As to concerns about danger, the water will be shallow, guests will be provided with life jackets (at a moderate extra fee) and lifeguards will be on duty at all times that the resort is open.
A potential game would be a take-off on miniature golf, with the final target the blowhole of a papier-mache whale.
On shore, an area tentatively called Nineveh will have restaurants, featuring whale-related dishes, such as LandLubber Blubber and Blubber-ala-Donald.
A “Whaling Wall” will have souvenirs that relate to whaling — designer outfits (by Melania Trump?); photos of the president fishing, and jars of gefilte fish (readers of this column might recall he wanted to make it the country’s official national fish, alongside the eagle and bison).
Other whale-connected products will be harpoons, lamp and cooking oils, whalebone corsets and umbrellas, candles, soaps and perfumes.
Admission will not be cheap, but Trump points out that ticket-purchasers will be pleased to know that
a portion of the proceeds will go to his re-election campaign.
Some Jewish critics of the president have disparaged the whale that fascinated him as his “Yiddishe
Mammal.”
But the president, undeterred, is boasting about his (ORCA-stration?) plans. “I constantly come up with
great ideas — certainly better than Obama or crooked Hillary ever had. But usually my great ideas are only one at a time; but with the whale, it’s a tremendous double: Keep out the undesirables, and give real Americans a treat.
“I continue to amaze myself.”
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Readers new to Joel H. Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns are assured that they are satire and should no be taken seriously.
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