By Elona Baron as told to Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO−My owner suffers from insomnia. It has become so bad that he has begun seeing a Behavioral Therapist to teach him proper sleep hygiene. I felt hurt that he didn’t consult with me first. After all, I sleep most of the day and never had a problem with falling asleep or waking up at night. Sometimes I sleep so deeply that I twitch my legs as if someone was rubbing my stomach. Since he hasn’t heeded my barks of sleeping advice, I am writing this column to share some of my tips. If it works, he can fire his therapist and give me bone.
Petitation: Start with the downward dog stretch. Fantasize about a handsome male or beautiful female breed of dog depending on your preference of pedigree and sexual orientation. Flop down wherever you are. You will be slumbering before you hit the floor. The key to the success of this technique is to clear your mind of anxiety and thought. After I have my walks and meals, I don’t worry or think about anything. I suppress any bad memories of being homeless with a litter of pups. As far as I know, I have the dog equivalent of tenure in the Baron home. But just in case I publish this column to guarantee that I will never be fired.
Exercise and Diet: I need two long walks and two sessions of vigorous running and fetching toys. Connect to my collar with a leash and let me guide you wherever I want to go. Perhaps you would find it relaxing to chew vigorously on a Golden Deceiver action figure. I avoid additives in my food and only drink water. Avoid caffeine and Alcohol. Eat and exercise like a dog and you’ll be able to relax on command.
Bedroom: Your sleep therapist is wrong. If you emulate dogs, you can fall asleep in any room and on any surface. The lights can be off or on. I do agree that you shouldn’t watch computer screens or television. I never do and look how easy it is for me to fall and stay asleep. When it comes to sleep, living a dog’s life is a recipe for relaxation.
One Last Warning: This guidance only works in one direction. You can trust your dog, but I have heard from other dogs, be wary of people who tell you they can put you to sleep.
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Elona resides with Bonnie and Laurie Baron. The latter is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. No animals were harmed in the writing of this column.