NEW YORK — It’s not widely known, but President Trump has become something of a Biblical scholar…or, at least, a fan.
He was captivated at the opening lines — “In the beginning” — which Trump, like professional and amateur comedians, accidentally or deliberately, misquote as “In the big inning.”
“It’s amazing,” the president said, “how they knew about baseball way back then.”
In tweets and conversation, he launched a commentary on favorite Biblical personalities, starting with the three patriarchs he called “patriots” — (a Trump take on football?).
“Abraham was too hospitable, too welcoming, if you ask me. Luckily, thy didn’t send rapists and drug lords, but once you let people in…..
“Isaac was too easy-going. I’ll be honest with you, too gullible, and people could easily con him.
“My favorite patriot was Jacob., who always did what he had to, to succeed. He was a great deal-maker…as when his famished brother begged him for food, and Jacob, holding all the cards, traded food for the birthright reserved for his brother. Later in life, he disguised himself to fool his father into giving him the blessing intended for his brother. You’ve got to give Jacob a lot of credit.
“But as good a deal-maker as Jacob was, Laban. his future father-in-law, was aces above him. Laban not only conned him into seven years of labor for a bride. but then he secretly substituted her sister for the intended, and got Jacob to agree to seven more years for the sister he’d wanted to wed.
“Jacob ended up with a couple of wives and some concubines.,. a man after my own heart.”
“Joseph, a bit of a dreamer from early on, but he knew what he was doing. Accusations about him and Potiphar’s wife, obviously made up, as part of a witch hunt to get rid of him. But he was outside the swamp, and rose to power. a great guy.”
Addressing bondage in Egypt, the president said: “Pharaoh was a very strong leader, much like myself, very strong, and I could have gotten along perfectly with him. We would have bonded from the start. i wouldn’t have needed those wacky plagues to convince him to let my people go. Just made a deal.
“I admit Pharaoh had a bit of a harsh policy of separating children, at least infant boys, from their mothers. But the Hebrews still got Moses, who went on to be a pretty impressive leader in his own right. And he got to head the NRA (Crooked media, if you’re listening, that was a joke!)
Trump then addressed comparisons with his own experience. “When I said I could shoot somebody on Fifth Avenue and not lose a vote, the fake media had a field day at my expense. But Moses killed and buried a bad guy in sight of a lot of people, and he still got to be the top gun. Though it wouldn’t have taken me anywhere near as long to lead my people to the Promised Land.”
As to the construction of the Golden Calf , the president called its adherents “a lot of crybabies…Believe me, I know about people who were once loyal turning out to be traitors. But if I’d been in Aaron’s sandals, I would have done what I always do– made lemons out of lemonade –.and marketed a line of miniature golden calves.”
Another favorite Bible story of his, he said, ” is the one about Lot’s daughters. I won’t lie to you, I’m a sucker for stories about how girl children love their father.
‘Then, there’s David, the kid who took down the bad guy with a slingshot. Gotta give him credit. Later in his life, the fake media perpetrated a witch-hunt hoax about him sending the husband of a woman he wanted to the war front, intentionally putting him in mortal danger. True, the man was killed, but in war, stuff happens.
“David’s son Solomon was a favorite of mine… smart as a whip, highly intelligent like you wouldn’t believe. And since a king is a celebrity, and celebrities have an easy time with women, he had more wives than you could count. A role model if there ever was one. Remind you of anyone?”
“The Jewish Bible is unbelievably great — you’ve got to love it…so many of its stories could be about me.”
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Readers new to Joel Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns are assured they are satire, and should not be taken seriously.