NEW YORK — President Trump gets many of his self-described “brilliant” ideas from surprising sources. Even the name of a pasta dish.
A recent example: A White House chef was reading the president a list of possible holiday dinner dishes when he mentioned pasta putanesca. In Trump’s hearing, it was pasta “PUTIN-esca,” and his mind made a giant leap. “What a great idea,” he told himself. “Have a dinner honoring my favorite dictator, I mean strong leader — well, maybe second favorite – and make this the main dish at the event.
“A great way to pay tribute to aN outstanding world leader,” Trump confided to a family member, “and if it brings in some kopeks for my reelection campaign, nyet problem.”
Whipping into action, he named Vice President Pence to head an ad hoc planning commission to arrange a New Year’s Eve event honoring Russia’ President Putin and other Soviet dignitaries, with PUTIN-esca, and its tomatoes, olives and capers, the central food attraction.
When Secretary of State Mike Pompeo gingerly told the president that the pasta dish was created for the convenience of prostitutes in a hurry to return to work, Trump said, ‘”Vladimir will get a big kick out of that.”
So the (high-ticket) New Year’s Eve gala was quickly arranged and executed.
Appropriately, there were such soups as borscht and schav, but no sour cream. “Why would I serve guests spoiled food?” Trump asked rhetorically “The fake news outlets would have a field day with that.”
Other offerings, were planned especially for the benefit of Russian Jews in attendance. … “I have many, many Russian Jewish friends and admirers, believe me, many more than Obama or crooked Hillary ever had.”
There were varieties of herring, from matjes to shmaltz. Also, kasha varnishkes, black bread, pirogi, blini, and beef stroganoff, bathed in Russians dressing, of course..
Guests of honor, aside from the Soviet president himself, included Stephen Miller, who has ancestors from Russia, and Sarah Palin, the infamous former governor of Alaska and unsuccessful candidate for U.S. vice president, who famously said, “I can see Russia from my house.”
Several stocky, barrel-chested men were among the guests, but by accident. Apparently, President Trump, in his last-minute planning tweets, unintentionally transposed the words “Siberian husky” and had his aides looking for husky Siberian men instead of dogs. The aides, unable to locate husky Siberians at the last minute,settled for chubby Crimeans.
Entertainment ranged from face-moisturizing with caviar (an activity popularized by Melania Trump on son Barron) to kazatsky dancers and bare-chested horseback riders.
The only unhappy guest was jacketless Congressman Jim Jordan, who was offended by the invitation’s formal-dress requirement, and because he was not being included in the display of shirtless-man horsemanship, and not allowed to be a contestant in the Russian roulette competition.
Wayne LaPierre of the National Rifle Association had been due to officiate, but was called away to a conference on getting more rifle varieties to more Americans of all ages, without background checks. So a replacement was needed to chair the event. Vice President Pence and Senator Lindsey Graham just about pushed each other out of the way to win that place and thereby demonstrate their undying loyalty to the president. But the honor was given to Jordan, who told Pence and Graham, “you can both take a shot at it,” (pun intended.)
As it turned out, while both contestants, defying mortal danger, fired the pistol pointed at his own head, in each instance the single bullet discharged was a blank, something the contestants did not know in advance.
The event was held at Mar-a-Lago, but next year’s may take place in what Trump called his “favorite city in Russia, maybe in the whole world — VLADIvostok.”
The president may have been PUTIN us on all along, but for once, at least he wasn’t VOLGA.
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Readers unfamiliar with Joel Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns are assured that they are satire and nothing therein should be taken seriously