By Elona Baron as told to Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO-It is a forgone expectation that the Senate will not vote to remove the Golden Deceiver from office. If only the humans of the United States would let dogs conduct an Impoochment Trial of the Golden Deceiver, the outcome would be different. To be sure, there will still be lapdogs like Bitch McConnell who will ignore the evidence. Dogs, however, have a keen sense of smell, and they know the difference between a load of BS and the truth. Pug (short for pugnacious) Dershowitz claims that no crime has been committed. If I were a Ukrainian shepherd dog facing a pack of hostile Russian wolfhounds while being forced to wear a muzzle, I’d feel I had been criminally deprived of my right to a fair fight.
Dogs hearing the Golden Deceiver’s case would not be partisan pups. They would convict and impose a canine-appropriate punishment on him. Given that the Golden Deceiver doesn’t like dogs and fears germs, he should be forced to walk dogs and have to pick up their poop without being supplied bags to put it in. Taking the time to do this, the Deceiver will be so busy that he would have to reduce his tweeting and watching Fox News. Moreover, the dogs would be instructed to lick his face all the time (though they would be inoculated against Agent Orange first) and to bring fleas into the Oval Office. Or the alpha dog can declare the Deceiver a chew toy and lock him up in a kennel.
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Elona resides with Bonnie and Laurie Baron. The latter is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. No animals were harmed in the writing of this column.