How I imagine the Stephen Miller-Kate Waldman wedding

By Joel H. Cohen

NEW YORK — No one I know attended the recent Stephen Miller-Katie Waldman wedding at the Trump International Hotel in Washington, D.C., but, from all accounts, it was definitely an affair to remember.

I can just picture it.

Featured entertainer was a live Elvis impersonator singing “Love Me Tender”‘  An artistic triumph was a chopped-liver image of President Trump… and then a dramatic, in-person visit from the president himself. Mr.Trump came from his duties as grand marshal of the Daytona 500 in  Daytona  Beach, Florida, which ended in a skid and fiery crash, that left the leading racer critically injured. (The president later tweeted. “I prefer a racer who doesn’t crash.”)

In his toast to the couple, the president said, “I’ve had three incredibly delightful happy marriages, and I wish you the same.”

It’s not known whether the wedding toast by the Trump was written by Miller, the young far-right conservative rabble-rouser, who writes many of the president’s speeches and has reportedly been instrumental in shaping Trump’s hard line against immigrants. Ironically, both Miller and his bride Katie, press secretary for Vice President Pence, are descendants of Jewish immigrants. Yet both are determinedly against admission to this country pf families fleeing persecution.

In their unusual pre-nuptial agreement, the couple vowed not to reveal any White House secrets and to raise any children as arch-conservatives. They pledged to show their children cages in which undocumented youngsters are being confined, as object lessons about the danger of trying to enter the U.S. without documents.

The bride, formerly spokesperson for the Department of Homeland Security, had defended the family-separation policy that Stephen had espoused, and also made some controversial comments about immigrants.

It’s no accident that ushers and bridesmaids at the wedding were chosen from the ranks of ICE.

While the couple’s bridal registry included some of the usual requests for wedding gifts,there were two exceptions: contributions to the Trump re-election campaign, and, in the style of synagogues and Jewish centers, donations of a plaque for the planned southern border wall, honoring or memorializing a person or event

There were reports that Mitch McConnell had been asked to serve as best man, but that  invitation was mistaken for a bill sent by the House seeking Senate approval which Mitch automatically cast aside. Reince Priebus was another candidate. But the honor remained unfulfilled. “Anyway,” said Miller, “there’s nobody better than President Trump. He’s definitely the best man.”

Starting with a prominent rabbi officiating, the wedding did follow some Jewish customs. But several had a special emphasis. For instance, the custom of breaking a glass (according to some interpretations) to wish the happy marriage lasts as long as it would take to reconnect the pieces of shattered glass, both Stephen and Katie broke a glsss, but the cover of his had the name “Joe Biden” and  hers, “Nancy Pelosi.”.

For the pleasure of the many Russian dignitaries at the event, the menu featured borsht, caviar and Moscow mules. Instead of the hora, guests were invited to join in the kazotsky, and greetings from Vladimir Putin were read by a translator.

Not everyone was thrilled with the nuptials. A few weeks before the event, Stephen’s uncle David wrote in an op-ed: ” “I have watched with dismay and increasing horror as my nephew, an educated man who is well aware of his heritage, has become the architect of immigration policies that repudiate the very foundation of our family’s life in this country.”

Some critics were left off the invitation list, even though their spouses were invited. For instance: Kellyanne Conway, yes; her husband, George, no.

In general, congeniality reigned. Miller observed:”We never would have met, had crooked Hillary or Obama been in office,”  which gave rise to such comments as “it was a match made in the Oval Office,” and  “it was love at first…bite.” According to some reports, it was President Trump whom Miller asked for Katie’s hand in marriage.

Appropriately, the couple are honeymooning at Trump properties worldwide.(at much-reduced rates, according to reports). The president also gave the couple a very generous monetary wedding gift — in the form of a promissory note.

The president, said Miller,”is a gift that keeps  on giving.”

In so many more ways than one, Stephen, in more ways than one.

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Readers unfamiliar with Joel H. Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns are assured they are satire and nothing herein should be taken seriously.