By Elona Baron as told to Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO−2020 is the year American canines elect a top dog. The preliminary matches are dog fights. Normally, the competitors aren’t so aggressive, but the humans who stage these contests prefer that they bite, growl, and scratch each other. After all, it improves the television ratings.
St. Bernard, Amy Komodor, Elizabeth Westie, Tom Skye Terrier, Pete Boxerdoodle, Joe Bichon, and Miniature Mike are battling in the pit. Since Elizabeth Westie goes for Mike’s jugular, the human commentators dismiss her as a bitch, but she doesn’t want anyone to forget that Mike ordered dogcatchers to pick up any mutt who seemed dangerous and joked about spaying pregnant females. Many dogs will never forgive him for that.
St. Bernard promises free veterinarians, puppy care, and training, but Pete and Amy wonder how he will pay for it.
Mike and Tom offer their own fortunes to cover the costs, but only if they get chosen.
Meanwhile, Joe assures the audience that he not only has the most experience negotiating with hostile species, but that he will protect black dogs from assaults by white ones. Throughout the clash, the participants rudely bark over each other.
Back in the White Dog House, the Golden Retriever gloats expecting that his future opponents will be so bloodied by the time he faces off with one of them that he will easily triumph.
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Elona resides with Bonnie and Laurie Baron. The latter is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. No animals were harmed in the writing of this column.
That’s an insult to Golden Retrievers and all dogs.
An Orange Orangutan would be a better comparison!