SAN DIEGO — I always have heeded the advice to make lemonade if life gives me lemons. How can I do this in the face of the current pandemic? If I try, should I wear a surgical mask? The following fantasies help lift my spirits.
Donald Trump meets with a delegation of Chinese businessmen and shakes their hands vigorously. Afterwards he forgets to wash his hands and panics demanding to be tested immediately for the Coronavirus. The CDC informs him that he has to wait because they don’t have enough test kits.
I have scrubbed my body and hands with anti-bacterial soap. I go to my study and touch my eyes, mouth, and nose to my heart’s content.
I am way behind in meeting a writing deadline when I learn that it has been extended indefinitely because the publisher has closed its offices as a precautionary measure.
I impulsively bought thousands of dollars of stock in a company that manufactures surgical masks before the outbreak of the Corona virus. The same day I sold all my holdings in airline companies.
Mike Pence is invited to brief a physicians group about what the federal government is doing to combat the spread of the virus. Unbeknownst to him, it turns out to be an organization of gay Democratic doctors.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.