When humans shelter in place

By Elona Baron as told to Laurie Baron

SAN DIEGO−As was evident in my last column, I know all about the coronavirus.  Ever since my owners have sequestered themselves in the house, I have observed them exhibiting odd behaviors which I fear are symptoms of the illness.  Their eyes have become glazed from watching too much television.  They even listen for extended periods to what the Golden Retriever is spouting on screen, a clinically proven cause of anxiety and high blood pressure.   They previously turned the television off or switched channels whenever he appeared and spoke.

Although they are not coughing and sneezing, they are bingeing on programs to the point where it is hurting their eyesight.  They have become obsessed about their dwindling toilet paper supply.  They should realize from their prior dog and me that toilet paper is not essential.  Why can’t they drag their butts on the front lawn?  On a related subject, they repeatedly wash their hands.  I would lick their hands if only they took off those latex gloves.  They have become so stir crazy that I have signaled to them I would take them for walks by carrying my leash in my mouth.  They used to be so thoughtful, but now seem unconcerned that there may be shortages of bones at the pet store.

Before the pandemic began, I was spared having to wear the sweaters and vests other owners force their dogs to wear.  A big package arrived today from Amazon.  I worry that they plan to dress me in a doggy hazmat suit.  I hope there is a widely available test soon to determine if they have been infected by the virus or are overreacting to the fear of catching it.

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Elona resides with Bonnie and Laurie Baron. The latter is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. No animals were harmed in the writing of this column.