He’s one in a minyan
NEW YORK — In times of crisis, especially one of the magnitude we’re currently experiencing, Jews naturally take their religious questions and concerns to their rabbi.
They might also consider another resource: President Trump
President Trump!!?
Yes.
The evidence is only circumstantial, but also substantial. Case in point: the president’s recent pronouncement at a news briefing that public gatherings were now to be limited to 10 individuals.
Note that, while he might have chosen any number — 2, 4, 7, 9, 11, etc. — he settled on the number 10, which happens to be just the minimum number of worshipers that Jews need for a minyan (quorum) to hold full religious services … services that include Kaddish memorial prayers among others, and, on Sabbath and holidays, readings of the Torah.
The president’s pronouncement was soon overruled by declaration of a national state of emergency, in which everyone was urged to stay home. But the point was made. The president had Jewish practices and law in mind. According to reliable sources, he reached the 10-person declaration after consultation with his Jewish son-in-law Jared and his convert-to-Judaiaism daughter Ivanka.
“The Jewish people will be thrilled to know I thought of their worship requirements,” he commented to intimates. “That, and my order to move the U.S. embassy to Jerusalem, should put them solidly in my camp, forever.”
He had other ideas he felt were sure to ingratiate Jewish voters.
Among them, he contemplates making a video depicting the exodus from Egypt, starring himself as Moses,”of course.” Trump described Moses as “a very impressive, strong leader, much like myself. He could have used a GPS, or whatever instrument they had back then, but still impressive.. He had a little bit of a temper, but that’s not a bad thing, especially when you’re negotiating a deal.”
As to supporting players in the projected video, he said, “Playing Aaron, my brother, the obvious choice is Mike Pence, one of my most loyal public servants. I mean staffers, Frankly he could mention my name and praise me and my incredible accomplishments more during our coronavirus briefing sessions, but I don’t care. I’m not looking for glory. Never have, never will. Nothing like crooked Hillary or Obama.”
The sticking point in selecting people to portray Biblical characters in the video was getting the right person to portray Pharaoh. “I’d have picked Jeff Sessions, but knowing his history, he’d probably recuse himself, because it’s likely he has investments in Cairo or some such backwater town.”
The president was impressed by several Passover customs. One in particular was the sale by Jews to non-Jews of chometz (food items not authorized for eating during the eight-day holiday.), ordinarily for a token amount. After the holiday, the contraband is generally sold back to the Jewish family for the same token price. But Trump envisions this as a great potential moneymaker for the chometz-purchaser.
President Trump said he plans to conduct a huge seder at Mar-a-Lago, highlighted by a huge search, like a treasure hunt, for the afikomen. (There will be a substantial prize for the winner, and equally substantial entrance fees with proceeds to the Trump reelection campaign.)
“While that will take the people’s minds off the current virus troubles,” the president commented, “Some incompetent, worthless reporter will probably ask a rude, nasty question about whether it’s a proper thing.’
As to the Four Questions, he plans to substitute a joke for the opening, “to lighten up the experience:”
“Queen Elizabeth, a wonderful friend of mine, and Prince Philip are inspecting a group of knights. One after another wears shiny armor, a helmet that’s bright and on straight with a plume that’s erect. But at the end of the line, one knight has rust on his armor, a helmet that’s tilted to the side, and a plume that’s tattered.
“Why,” asks the queen,”is this knight different from all other knights?”
Then quickly to the meal (for which the kitchen staff, under direction from Trump, has been storing up food –“a la Joseph before the famine in Biblical Egypt — a great hero of mine.”
There will be a lot of handwashing, “always a good thing,” in the president’s estimation, “especially now.”
(His takes on the Plagues and other plans for a “special Trump-style seder,” will be discussed in future columns).
Meanwhile, though it may be difficult to contemplate we should be comforted knowing that figuratively, if not literally, he’s at our service.
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Readers unfamiliar with Joel H. Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns are assured that they are strictly satire and nothing therein should be taken seriously.