By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO−The coronavirus has introduced new phrases into the American lexicon. At first I didn’t understand what they meant because I had heard (or misheard) these terms in a different context. Below you will see why I was confused:
Contact Tracing: Online dating services like Match and Eharmony.
Flatten the Curve: This is what Spanx does.
Morbidity: Sick jokes.
Pandemic: A popular streaming music service.
Personal Protective Equipment: I have always been embarrassed in drug stores to ask anyone where the condoms were shelved and would inquire about which aisle the personal protective equipment was stored.
Shelter in Place: Find a bunker or closet to hide from a mass shooter, hurricane, or tornado.
Social Distancing: After I went on a date with a girl back in high school, she usually practiced social distancing whenever she saw me again.
Stop the Spread: Advertising slogan for a dieting company.
Triage: You can determine this when you count the rings on the cross section of a tree.
WHO: Who can ever forget their album Tommy?
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Laurie Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. His columns in his name and in behalf of his dog, Elana, as well as his thoughts about film, may all be accessed by clicking his byline at the top of this page. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.