SAN DIEGO−Although the stock market has rallied in the past week, the companies whose initial public offerings have been doing well may not portend a rosy future. These successful startups and their advertising campaigns demonstrate that investors are banking on bad news.
Country Club Clinics: Do you worry about being hospitalized in overcrowded coronavirus treatment centers located in convention centers, empty hotels, hospitals, and public parks? Country Club Clinics has purchased some of America’s most scenic golf courses to construct clinics on their grounds. It guarantees beds that are at least a chip shot away from other patients. Your emergency calls will be answered promptly by staff rushing over in golf carts. The only time anyone at our courses should feel subpar is when they’re playing a great round of golf.
Homebody: Why risk congregating with too many people for funerals at cemeteries? Homebody will bury your corpse in your backyard, embalm it in a designer mausoleum on your patio, or cremate it your fireplace and put the ashes in an urn displayed on your favorite breakfront. Your immediate family (if it consists of fewer than ten members) can attend your funeral and visit your tomb, mausoleum, or urn without violating shelter in place ordinances.
Hygienic Haute Couture: Sick of ugly N95 masks that hide your face or blue gowns that are baggy? Hygienic Haute Couture fashions clothing from the same material used in hazmat suits. Our masks are transparent to let people see your visage. Our gloves highlight your slender hands; the gowns accentuate your curves. Look beautiful even when you’re miserable.
Lunar Leisure Life: Elon Musk’s SpaceX has teamed up with the Army Corps of Engineers to build condo communities on the moon. Since the earth has coronavirus and the sun has a corona, the moon is a safest place to live. No cases of Covid19 and not counting. The cost of shuttles to and from the moon is covered in your down payment.
No News Is Good News: Block out bad news about the coronavirus outbreak and other disturbing developments. This revolutionary app connects via Bluetooth to your television and lets you select what you want to ignore. Don’t want to see Trump? There’s a setting for that. Melania uses it. No Fox News? Hannity will never haunt you again. Want to shut off MSNBC to avert nightmares about Rachel? It’s a default setting for loyal Fox News fans. Life is too short to be bothered with facts that conflict with your opinions.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.