NEW YORK — Imagine that President Trump’s latest great idea — host a seder this Passover for family, friends and political associates at Mar-a-Lago — had come to fruition. Here, along with some pre-seder innovations he intended to introduce are some features he considered:
The president plans to produce a video in celebration of the Jewish holiday of freedom, in which he will play the hero, Moses, and Vice President Pence, Moses’ brother Aaron.
A sticking point was casting the appropriate performer to portray the villain Pharaoh. Trump first thought that Jeff Sessions would be an excellent choice, but then thought, “He’d probably recuse himself because he has property in Cairo, or some such honky-tonk town.”
The president finally settled on Ted Cruz to portray the villain in the video, which is being written by Stephen Miller, who, although recently marred, “hasn’t lost his killer touch,” as the president described it.
Regarding another ancient custom, to make sure the angel of death would “pass over” their homes, Israelites would smear blood on their doors. The president is having Trump teens distribute placards with the letter T (as in Trump) to protect them.
The seder guest list is diversified, somewhat limited by the exorbitant (though thus far unpublicized) price of admission.
In some instances, only one member of a couple is being invited. A notable example: Kellyanne Conway, a Trump loyalist, but not her husband George, who has written critically of the president in op-ed essays. Some governors and others were omitted because, in Trump’s words, “they haven’t been grateful enough to me for what I’ve done for them.”
T0 get festivities started, Trump plans to repeat a favorite joke about his “good friend” Queen Elizabeth inspecting a group of immaculate knights until she sees one with rust on his armor, his helmet askew and plume in tatters. “Why is this knight different from all other knights?” she asks.
A good follow-up, Trump thought, was with a musical rendition of “Let My People Go.” Barbra Streisand, a Jewish woman who has recorded Hebrew prayers, was an obvious first choice, but, in Trump’s words, “a has-been performer,” she’d been quoted saying “terrible. nasty lies” about him, The president told intimates. He thought of Cher, Shakira, John Legend, but all were on public record as anti-Trump.
So he settled on a rendition by the group in attendance. Song sheets with the lyrics were to be distributed:
When Israel was in Egypt’s land
Let my people go
Oppress’d so hard they could not stand
Let my people go
Refrain:
Go down, Moses
Way down in Egypt’s land
Tell old Pharaoh
Let my people go
As to the menu for the Trump seder, he had ordered his kitchen staff to acquire Big Macs of brisket on matzah but that seemed out of reach, so he settled just on brisket. He chose red horseradish because he supposedly commented,”if any spills, its color will blend with that of my tie.”
Since he doesn’t drink alcohol, the beverage of choice was grape juice – – “an excellent, incredible vintage,” he told associates. “August.”
A seder highlight is hiding a piece of matzah, called the afikomen, early in the proceedings. Until it’s found later, the seder cannot be concluded. Attorney General William Barr, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo and Senator Lindsay Graham will oversee the interment and removal of the afikomen. The lucky person who finds it will win a very large cash prize.
A position of honor for Senator Majority Leader McConnell is still to be determined, as are such important matters as who will be the Four Children, who will ask the Four Questions, rules about non-Jews buying unfit-for-Passover foods from Jewish families, etc. STAY TUNED.
Attendees will be given parting gifts of assorted macaroons and masks, perfect for these times. (“Never heard of Crooked Hillary or Obama giving gifts like these,” Trump commented.)
Now, if only guests will remember to let the president know how grateful they are to him for inviting them to the seder.
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Readers unfamiliar with Joel Cohen’s “Just Kidding” column are assured they are satire and should not be taken seriously.