SAN DIEGO-In an interview I conducted with the President over Zoom, he explained why he has not contracted the coronavirus and has been so successful in mitigating its spread. I guaranteed him that it would be off the record. I kept my promise. I’ve recorded this on paper and not on vinyl.
Melania and I have modeled social distancing for many years. I avoid getting close to Democrats, especially that sick puppy Pelosi. Vice-President Pence also does a fine job staying away from homosexuals and transsexuals and women other than his wife.
Since I foresaw what a terrible mess that that loser Andrew Cuomo would make if an epidemic struck his state, I officially moved from New York to Florida last October.
I trust what doctors tell me. Remember Harold Bornstein predicting, “If elected, Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.” And Ronnie Jackson concluding, “He has incredible genes” I knew that eating fast food, playing golf, and venting my feelings on Twitter gave me an immunity to most diseases.
I called this the Chinese virus to justify levying a tariff on it so it would become too expensive for Americans to import. I now have intelligence from Bill and Rudi that the virus began in Ukraine and Hunter Biden used it to contaminate natural gas exported to the rest of the world.
The most seriously affected regions of the United States appear to be big cities. If I let the virus run its course, it will suppress the voter turnout in blue states. I’m not as incompetent as my critics charge. The greatest thing I can do for the health of the nation is to win a second term.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.