NEW YORK — I like to imagine President Trump being so eager to implement his latest “incredible” idea that he’s been giving it attention equal to what he’s granted two other favorite initiatives.
The new project involves his making personal calls to rabbis across the country and urging them to resume live religious services immediately in order to begin to “make Judaism great again.”
He’s been devoting maximum energy to the project, even at the expense of spending less time at coronavirus briefings (which often come off seeming like Trump reelection campaign rallies).
Another planned self-sacrifice: easing up on supervision of staff members who’d bought unfit-for-Passover foods from Jewish families for a token amount before the holiday, and were now negotiating buy-back terms.
The understanding is that the non-Jewish person sells it back for the same token amount, as little as one dollar, but that’s not a legally binding rule — and the Trump organization is known for, among other things, making deals that favor themselves.
President Trump, calling rabbis across the nation at random, reached the spiritual leader of an Orthodox congregation in New York — we’ll call him Rabbi Zalman,
The president explained he wanted him to resume leading services right away and thus lead the way to making Judaism “greater than ever.” The spiritual leader explained that his was a very small congregation,made up almost entirely of very senior citizens, a group most vulnerable to the virus, and that it would be “criminal” to insist they come out under the present circumstance.
“Order them to come out to services, no matter how old they are,” the president responded. “I have complete authority.”
“Authority, shmaw-thority,” the rabbi said. “Most of us came from countries where people with ‘complete authority’ told us what we could and could not do. We never expected that in the United States. And, with all due disrespect, I won’t expose my congregants to danger. We’re taught that saving a life is of the highest priority. Much before ‘business as usual.’ “
Muttering “ingrates, after all I’ve done for them, unlike crooked Hillary or Obama, even moving the embassy to Jerusalem,” Trump abruptly ended the call.
His next random outreach was to a Rabbi Sal in Colorado. When a woman answered, the president expressed surprise. “I was calling Rabbi Sal,” he said.
“You’ve got her — Rabbi Sally.”
Trump said, “You sound lovely.”
There was silence on the other end of the line for a moment.. then the rabbi asked: “How can I be of service?”
“By having live services,” he answered.
“Not with the virus,” she said firmly.”
When she mentioned that hers was an egalitarian congregation, Trump said he’d heard about them. He said a cartoon he once had seen — “It was incredible, although the artist didn’t get my hair right, but never mind. It said that we were going to build a great “mehitzah,” (meaning mechitzah a low wall separating men’s and women’s sections in Orthodox synagogues) and that the women would pay for it.
“We don’t separate men and women here,” Rabbi Sal explained, unless it’s a project the men’s club or sisterhood undertakes. And we’re definitely not in favor of any walls, anywhere.”
At that, the president ended the call.
Next, he contacted Rabbi Luke in San Francisco, a guitar-playing spiritual leader celebrated for his sense of humor. When Trump said it was the president calling, he asked, “Of what shul?”
And later in the conversation, he asked Trump if the president could recommend “a good bass player.”
Frustrated, the president then made contact with Steve, the rabbi of a synagogue with hundreds of empty seats. Again, the response was that the rabbi would not expose his congregants to danger.
“But do you mean, that though you could seat people even 12 feet apart, you won’t have those bar and bat mitzvah extravaganzas? With the big parties and gifts to match?”
The rabbi gently explained that just coming of age makes a child “bar or bat mitzvah and religiously responsible.”
As to services, he rabbi said, holding them ‘vicariously’ has worked out just fine.”
President Trump, frustrated, muttered, “I don’t know how these characters keep their jobs.”
Then turning to an aide, ordered, “Get me a list of Catholic priests and Protestant ministers. Maybe I’ll have better luck with them.”
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Readers unfamiliar with Joel Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns are assured they are satire and should not be taken seriously.