By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — Reports have surfaced in recent weeks of a virus that has taken a deadly toll on rabbits in various parts of the world. But now, apparently due to his misreading of “rabbis” for “rabbits,’ President Trump has undertaken a campaign to rescue Jewish spiritual leaders, who he presumes are the victims of the deadly infectious disease.
Accordingly, he’s established a special force aimed at developing a vaccine by Election Day or Rush Hashunnah,” as the president referred to the Jewish new year.
He plans to name comedian Jackie Mason to head the commission. Asked why he’s appointing a comedian to a scientific post, he claimed the question was rude,”another media hoax,” then replied, “Jackie is Jewish, he comes from a family of rabbis, and he’s very funny. I don’t get a lot of his jokes, but many, many people do.”
While awaiting the vaccine, he said, “I urge the rabbis to take (the anti-malaria drug) hydroxychloroquine, which has done miracles for many potential pandemic victims. Can you think of a more remarkable specimen than me? What have they got to lose?”
The president said the new virus presents itself in rabbis in two major ways: when the spiritual leader is leading prayers or giving a sermon, he or she goes on interminably, but when someone else is leading the service, the rabbi keeps dozing off.
A contributing factor is that “Rabbis do a lot of reading, and the virus may be transmitted through the eyes and nose. Though reading hasn’t affected me at all.”
Then there are occupational hazards, he said. “They (rabbis) preside at infants’ briskets, bar and bat mitzvahs and weddings. Also, they love shaking hands– something that, as a longtime germophobe, I avoid like the plague (get it? plague?). I even skip pressing the first-floor elevator button in my own properties.”
Rabbis, the president said, do have some built-in protections, those little beanies they wear, the shawl with the fringes, and I think some of those clergy are already testing themselves with the little boxes they wear on one arm and their forehead.
Kabal Cable News applauded the Trump initiative as “one more evidence of the president’s support for the Jewish people.” When a Trump aide confided that the virus targets rabbits, not rabbis, the Kabal spokesman said, “Rabbits, shmabbits, rabbis, rabonima, ahbee gesunt.”
Later, when it was suggested by a correspondent that he might have misheard “rabies” as “rabbis,” Trump called the suggestion “nasty” and went on to say, “When I read ‘rabbis,’ it’s not ‘rabbits’ or’ rabies.’ When I glance at a written statement, I immediately commit it to memory.
“And when I’m committed…end of discussion.
“Trust me on that.”
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Readers unfamiliar with Joel H. Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns are assured they are strictly satire and should not be taken seriously.