NEW YORK — Imagine if President Trump tweeted a salute to Shavuot that included a critique of individual commandments. Here’s how I envisioned it:
Cynics might have viewed the gesture as political re-election pandering, but others praised President Trump’s Shavuot message as an evidence of his sincere goodwill toward the nation’s Jewish population.
“The Jews are some of my favorite people,” he tweeted, “and Shavuot is a favorite holiday of theirs — and mine. Certainly not of crooked Hillary, Obama, Sleepy Joe or Nutty Nancy. What’s not to like in a holiday that celebrates the famous ten (or so) commandments?’
He began his holiday salute with several jokes:
When different nations were offered the commandments, one said, “you can give them to us; we certainly won’t keep them.”
And when some Israelites complained about the great noise at Sinai at the giving of the commandments, Moses advised: “take two tablets and call me in the morning.”
And, finally, some speculated that if Moses had arrived in San Francisco, or anywhere in a “hippy blue state,” he would have said,”I have ten suggestions for you.”
After the jokes, Trump turned serious, and In his holiday message, commented on the commandments individually, in no particular order, leaving out several “the religious ones,” as he referred to them, for the rabbis to analyze.
The president said: “The commandments are lessons for all time — not always what you should neessarily follow.”
For example, he said the prohibition against having idols “doesn’t work, when there’s a leader who’s charming,brilliant, snart as a whip, knows more about anything and everything than the experts. Okay, you’ve got me — I was talking about myself, but you get the point. There are always going to be idols.”
Regarding the prohibition against killing, he said, “nobody can argue with that, unless somebody is wacky enough to attack us, with the greatest fighting force the world has ever kown. Then it’s no holds barred…all signals off.”
As to no stealing, Trump commented, “That’s a matter of definition. Some left-wing kook once said it’s even stealing if you know you’re not going to buy anythng but you keep asking a salesman questions and keeping him from other customers who might be interested in buying.
“No bearing fales witness, either. What about alternative facts?” My people have been using that forever. The greatest danger, if you obey this commandment is that it can lead to fake fact-checking. We sure don’t want that.”
As to the prohibition against adultery, Trump said he had always believed that meant what was taboo for teenagers was okay for grown-ups. Besides, he asked, what if all parties are agreed on the subject? And, if, as a last resort, there’s sufficient paymen to discourage any public outcry.”
He said he was particularly fond of the “honor your parents” commandment. “My kids all turned out great, and since they’ve come from diffeent mothers — three, to be exact — the credit for the kids has to be mine.
“Don’t covet? Can’t agree a hundred percent. You’ve got to be in a coma not to want a particular thing or person. Look at that heroine of the holiday — Ruth. She knew what and who she wanted, and went after it. And by the way, I wish my staff people were half as loyal to me as she was to her mother-in-law. A realy great young woman!”
All in all,the president said, “We got to celebrate an incredible holiday, honoring the ten or so commandments, which are remembered for a long, long time, as my speeches — inaugural address, state of the union, and so on are sure to be.
“One other thing –the food. Jews are well-known for making food a big part of any holiday, even the one where they can’t et or drink for more than 24 hours, Young Kipper. That’s all they talk about. And this one, with blintzes and cheesecake. You’ve got to love this holiday.
“And finally, as somme people rudely pointed out,, I was a day late with my greetings, but I was playing golf — which is how I get my greatest ideas.
“So, to my countless Jewish friends, happy Shavuot.
“Next year, at Mar-a-Lago.”
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Readers unfamiliar with Joel H. Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns are assured they are satire and should not be taken seriously.
LOST IN TRANSLATION: Actually the 10 “commandments* are NOT “commandments”! Hebrew דברות means sayings, or utterances, and have nothing to do with “commandments”.
They are suggestions and guidelines to help us evolve into better human beings: ultimately we have free will to do what we want, so it’s up to us how we behave: no skin off the creators nose!!